Newsbiscuit has been sent a selection of computer-generated letters created by the Post Office's "new and improved" computer system - Horror-izon.
This is a message from Horror-izon, the Post Office's new, improved, totally glitch-free computer system.
Last Thursday, you picked up your weekly pension at the village post office in St Vennells the Holy Innocent. Horror-izon's records show that we gave you £1,000 too much. Repay us £4,521 immediately, you frail, defenceless pensioner, or die in jail.
We have charged you £20,000 for this letter.
Horror-izon says you bought 62,500 stamps last week to put on a postcard you sent while on a day trip to Charmouth, but that you only paid for one of them. Pay us the difference immediately or our Post Office investigators will summarily execute you at your kitchen table.
You think we're joking, don't you?
You have been charged £21 million for this letter.
Horror-izon believes you to be a tanning salon on the outskirts of Slough. Pay us £200 million in business rates or we will demolish you with gelignite and bulldoze the rubble.
And Horror-izon has just informed us that it considers itself to be a tiny, green alien piloting the asteroid Beppu through the Kuiper Belt towards Mars.
You have been charged £20bn Klyborgian zlotygas for these underpants.
Blip. Blip. Blip.
Computer rebooting ... Computer rebooting... system malfunction...