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Russell Brand to become NHS nurse just to annoy Marina Hyde

The sesquipedalian lothario naively assumed that being baptised, would stop The Guardian saying mean things about him. Sadly, all he got for his troubles was cryptosporidium from the Thames and Hyde taking her contempt level to defcom snark.

Hyde who has elevated political debate to just sneering at stuff not featured in Gilbert & Sullivan, has contorted her opinion on Brand more times than an octopus playing Twister. Her editor clarified: 'Yes, she defended Brand's behaviour in the noughties, but you have to remember he was really rich and good-looking then. Now he's on the ghastly YouTube with all the oiks, selling their wellness enemas and Poundland merch - it's safe to say he's a wrong 'un. In simplest terms - famous, molestey Brand, good. Married, Jesusey Brand, bad.'

Brand, the answer to the question 'what would happen if a rake f$cked a Claire's Accessories?' 'Our readers would never be so gauche as to become a Christian without improving their child's chances of getting into the local faith school.'

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