Following the arrest of an employee in Britain's Berlin embassy who was allegedly passing intelligence to Russia, the Kremlin has asked for a full refund.
"We paid David S a fortune to feed us high-level intelligence from the British government," said a Russian government spokesman. "However, he gave us nothing that you could possibly call intelligence."
"All we got from his bug inside Downing Street was a constant stream of plummy-voiced burbling, which our agents can make no sense of whatsoever, and night-time quarrels – apparently over the new wallpaper and a badly-behaved mongrel called Dylan."
"That's how the Russians got stung," said a senior MI6 officer. "There's no point trying to spy out British state intelligence. There isn't any left."