Russian spies accused of weaponising poo
Russian spies have reportedly been breaking into the homes of diplomats and journalists to intimidate them. Now, in a bizarre escalation of its hybrid warfare against the West, Russia has allegedly gone one step further - by sending agents into the homes of Finnish MPs to defecate.
The latest incidents have raised questions about how Russian agents manage to produce a strategically timed bowel movement immediately upon entering a victim's home.
'It’s not as easy as people think,' said one former intelligence officer. 'You can’t just break into someone’s house, sit on the toilet and hope Putin sends you a miracle.'
According to intelligence sources, agents undergo months of specialist training, including a high-fibre diet, vast quantities of coffee, and several litres of prune juice to help them to produce bowel movementson demand.
Security experts fear the Kremlin may soon deploy even more sophisticated forms of lavatory warfare, including leaving the toilet seat permanently warm, turning all the toilet rolls around so the paper hangs underneath, or worse still - using the last sheet of toilet paper with no replacement anywhere in the house.
There are also fears that the Kremlin could escalate the campaign further, with agents reportedly being trained to leave a solitary pube on a pillow, to put the TV remote somewhere nobody can find it, and to deliberately load the dishwasher incorrectly.
Finnish officials have advised MPs to keep their bathroom doors locked and have issued them with heavy-duty rubber gloves and a large can of industrial-strength air freshener.
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