Tough new guidelines issued on alcohol have recommended submerging parts of Cumbria and the entire city centre of Newcastle, every Friday night, around chucking out time. The UK's chief medical officer says men and women should consume no more than 14 units a week and for people in Leeds to stop calling that many drinks ‘breakfast’.
At an average 46% proof, experts are saying that most Glaswegians will need to be keelhauled through the River Clyde to be reclassified as ‘Babycham’. The Scottish Ambulance Service has agreed to ferry bed-ridden drunks and deposit them in the nearest loch. ‘It’s a simple process whereby if a patient sinks they’re drunk and if they float they’re a witch - or they’ve eaten too many bar snacks’. But they warned against using the North Sea to dilute drunken citizens, for fear that it may become a huge margarita, with buoys being mistaken for over-sized olives
A spokeswoman said: ‘There are only three legitimate reasons to binge drink. One. You’ve seen George Osborne’s economic policy. Two. You are George Osborne. Or Three. It’s happy hour – then in that case, fill yer boots!’
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