top of page

Scotland flooded to lower alcohol limits


Tough new guidelines issued on alcohol have recommended submerging parts of Cumbria and the entire city centre of Newcastle, every Friday night, around chucking out time. The UK's chief medical officer says men and women should consume no more than 14 units a week and for people in Leeds to stop calling that many drinks ‘breakfast’.


At an average 46% proof, experts are saying that most Glaswegians will need to be keelhauled through the River Clyde to be reclassified as ‘Babycham’. The Scottish Ambulance Service has agreed to ferry bed-ridden drunks and deposit them in the nearest loch. ‘It’s a simple process whereby if a patient sinks they’re drunk and if they float they’re a witch - or they’ve eaten too many bar snacks’. But they warned against using the North Sea to dilute drunken citizens, for fear that it may become a huge margarita, with buoys being mistaken for over-sized olives


A spokeswoman said: ‘There are only three legitimate reasons to binge drink. One. You’ve seen George Osborne’s economic policy. Two. You are George Osborne. Or Three. It’s happy hour – then in that case, fill yer boots!’




IMAGE FROM: https://pixabay.com/photos/danube-river-wave-danube-wave-7522608



73 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All

Using its billionaire dollar empire, Facebook intends to purchase creative ownership of large portions of the English language and a significant portion of the air you breathe. A Facebook executive e

Disguised under the pretext of a kit launch, Britain’s athletes took time out of their busy schedule - of avoiding drug tests - to show off more bulging pectorals than a Zac Efron calendar. Oiled lik

Data suggests a sharp decline in moronic decisions from Saturday to Sunday, leading to unsustainable levels of happiness throughout the nation and the accusation that the Government are only 'part-tim

bottom of page