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Sex Ed. rebranded as the ‘Prevent Agenda’

Preventing ‘you know what’ is set become compulsory in all England's schools, with all acts of radical sexualisation reported to MI5. Teachers will be required to be on the lookout for the tell-tale signs of hairy palms, hot flushes and any fan fiction involving Zooey Deschanel.

Explained one M15 operative: ‘Our job is to disrupt sexual threats to the UK, which may involve extreme measures – such as cold waterboarding.’ There are three strands to government‘s counter-pregnancy strategy – no kissing on a first date, no hemlines above the ankle and no cheap cider. Instead, schools will be expected to promote British values – specifically those of Sister Wendy.

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