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Some singer up the duff

Parts of the internet were plunged into darkness and the earth stopped revolving on its axis, as Beyoncé achieved what most sixth-formers manage with only one bottle of cider.  Posing in a revealing bee-keeper's outfit, Mrs Knowles-Carter flaunted her pregnancy with the shy retiring modesty of 'Liberace on Ice'.

Gasped one reporter: 'Hold the press - a woman of child-bearing age has undergone a chemical reaction.  And here's the amazing coincidence - it's the same reaction which has been repeated by her species billions of times before. She's a singer, so logically we're not interested in her artistic output only her vaginal output.’ Fans are hyped by her pre-released mucus plug but may have mistaken that with one of Jay-Z's albums.

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