In response to the proposed referendum on a new state flag, all mention of ‘one particularly ungrateful island’ in the south-western Pacific Ocean is to be expunged from British textbooks. A Royal cartographer said: ‘We fully support all nations' right to self-determination and identity but also reserve to the right to act like a petulant teenager, who has just been dumped. Need I remind you that the US has been obscured from view by a collection of fuzzy-felt stickers since 1776? Floating off the south coast of Australia, New Zealand will now be depicted by a garishly coloured aquatic sheep.’