Updated: Dec 21, 2021
British scientists say they have unlocked the means of solving our fuel shortage, while at the same time getting Boris Johnson ‘out of the $hit’. Intensive care wards will soon look like petrol forecourts, with queues of BMW drivers fighting to siphon mucus from your nan.
Covid particles will gathered in the sweaty undergarments of the infected and then carefully poured into jerry cans. Then through an elaborate process of osmosis, pollination and lucky heather, the Covid ‘drippings’ will magically transform into diesel.
Petrol pricing will no longer be expressed in pounds, but by the number of sick school children to the mile. Explained one boffin: ‘It’s not so outlandish, the Department of Works & Pensions have been getting blood from a stone for years’.