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US Supreme Court rules 'without bans on abortions, Trump wouldn't exist'

Schizophrenic bastion of ultimate American law, the US Supreme Court, has found that as long as you are eager to be urinated upon, you can be the nation's most wanted terrorist and President at the same time.

'Four out of nine of us examined the evidence carefully, but the other five smeared spunk on their faces and fondled an octopus to reach their verdict,' shrugged a respected justice dodger. 'That's just the way that the highest laws of America must be decided, and there is no better way of doing this.'

While on a roll, five of the nine went on to rule that all children will be armed with automatic rifles, all women will be legally separated from their own bodies and kettled in Mar-o-Lago, and anyone who doesn't smell white enough will be reclassified as a massive, glorious wall paid for by Mexico.

'Also, every single convicted Republican serial murderer will now be released from high security facilities, because that's what the line "land of the free" really means in our national anthem.'

image from pixabay

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