US presidents can now stay in office as long as they can dodge bullets, thanks to a new bill signed into law today. After intense lobbying by an alliance of brooding loners and psychotic conspiracy theorists, Congress has given in and made the 8th of April the day anyone can end the president's rule with a well-aimed bullet.
"It's a victory for the rugged individualism for which we're famous as a nation", says Senator Hilmer Baines (R). "For too long, the basement-dwelling gun nut has been a marginalised figure in American politics. He spends his days peering out between his window blinds in search of FBI surveillance trucks, or getting cut off by radio show hosts when he phones in about the president being an agent of the Illuminati".
"This is people power in action", says Mrs Edna Prazitsky of Dayton, Ohio, whose conspiracy theorist son Bruce lives in her loft with his gun collection. "For the last ten years Bruce has had to make do with pumping bullets into cardboard likenesses of politicians at the shooting range. Now he knows he can really make a difference".
Senator Baines urges all aspiring marksmen to be ready on Shoot the President Day. "Whatever your motives may be, your contribution is appreciated", he says. "Maybe the President isn't answering your letters about the alien landings in your back yard. Or you have an unrequited crush on a film star who takes out a restraining order every time you're found hiding in her garden. Go on - you know she'll be impressed when she sees you on TV being manhandled to the ground by Secret Service agents".
image from pixabay
