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Schizophrenic bastion of ultimate American law, the US Supreme Court, has found that as long as you are eager to be urinated upon, you can be the nation's most wanted terrorist and President at the same time.
'Four out of nine of us examined the evidence carefully, but the other five smeared spunk on their faces and fondled an octopus to reach their verdict,' shrugged a respected justice dodger. 'That's just the way that the highest laws of America must be decided, and there is no better way of doing this.'
While on a roll, five of the nine went on to rule that all children will be armed with automatic rifles, all women will be legally separated from their own bodies and kettled in Mar-o-Lago, and anyone who doesn't smell white enough will be reclassified as a massive, glorious wall paid for by Mexico.
'Also, every single convicted Republican serial murderer will now be released from high security facilities, because that's what the line "land of the free" really means in our national anthem.'
image from pixabay
Despite promising to stop genocide and lose some weight, the UN has found that its resolve has been undermined by the USA tempting them with chocolate and all missiles they can eat. The US defended its position: ‘We tried giving up booze once, but we just ended up with Al Capone. Resolutions should focus on achievable promises – like tax breaks for the wealthy and ever worse superhero movies.’
Hints about abandoning the petrodollar or upholding human rights were rejected in favour of a resolution to massage Joe Biden’s bunions. Said one depressed UN representative: ‘We asked if we could do something about world hunger, but the answer was ‘Nope’. We said, what about poverty? ‘Nope’. Could we maybe do something about the environment – ‘Nope’. Finally, we asked, what promise could we make? And they said – ‘promise to keep your mouth shut and turn a blind eye.’
Having already downgraded Santa’s naughty list to just North Korea and James Corden, the US has muted all opposition to its excesses. Said their ambassador: ‘We resolve to make 2024 every bit as scary as 2023. Oh, and go to the gym more.’
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