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US death penalty expanded to include crucifixion


The United States has added crucifixion to the methods of killing human beings in the name of justice. The move addresses criticism that electrocution, poison gas and lethal injection are not sufficiently barbaric for the moralistic, evangelical supporters of the death penalty.


‘Nailing criminals to crosses and leaving them to die in horrific pain is what a modern civilised society demands’ said a Department of Justice official.


Democrats were also supportive of crucifixion for certain felons, especially those who pretend to be Jesus.




Oil firms voice concern that Strait of Hormuz may reopen


"Since the US and Israel started bombing Iran, and Iran closed the Strait of Hormuz to oil traffic," said a spokes-louse for the world's leading energy companies, "we have seen the price of crude increase by 50% and the price of petrol also soar.


"Purely by coincidence, this is boosting our revenues to frankly obscene levels.


"Our greatest fear now is that peace may break out and Iran will reopen the Strait of Hormuz, thereby replenishing oil supplies, bringing prices back to normal and stripping us of all our undeserved profits.


"This would means two fewer skiing holiday a year for each of our pampered executives and their families, and a kilogramme less bling for their mistresses.


"We therefore give our full blessing to those latter day prophets Benjamin Netanyahu and Donald Trump to keep smiting their enemies in this holy war," said the spoke-leach.


"And may they, in return, allow us to do the Lord's work in robbing all you suckers blind at the pump.


"After all, if God didn't want us to shear you, he wouldn't have made you motorised sheep."




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