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Voter announces he’s “available for hire”

With the certainty of a general election before the end of the year, a voter has formally announced that his vote is available to any party “for the right price”.

Graham Sawdust of 32, The Crescent, Hemel Hempstead, an accounting technician with exciting dreams of one day becoming an accountant, said he’d always been a floating voter, in the sense of not having principles or beliefs of any kind.

'So it’s really a question of which party will offer me the most in return for my vote.'

Asked wha' in particular he was hoping for, he said that Tory plans to scrap inheritance tax certainly sounded promising. “Having said that, I visited my parents a few months ago, and they looked irritatingly healthy. No, best make it a straightforward cut in income tax. Or national insurance.' He then talked for some time about how cutting national insurance would in some ways be better, but it’s far too dull to reproduce here.

'I suppose you could say that, politically speaking, I’m putting on fishnet stockings and standing on a street corner on the old industrial estate,' Sawdust chuckled, before adding, 'Assuming that’s what prostitutes even do, which obviously I don’t know, I’ve certainly never been there. A blue Vauxhall Corsa is a very common car, I think you’ll find.'

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