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Waitrose will unpack your ‘smug’ while you’re out

Waitrose is to test a delivery service which will allow customers to experience all their innate superiority over their neighbours, without any of the tiresome waving of artisan cheese under their nose. Instead, the driver will unpack your priggishness and gnocchi, while you can enjoy a night at the theatre or an introductory lute-making class.

Drivers will gain access to your property (via the servant’s entrance) and carefully unload your over-priced snobbishness, from bags made from recycled conceit. Just in case your neighbours are away, the driver will nail your shopping list to their door, using vintage cast iron nail and a gluten-free baguette.

The driver will wear a body camera, allowing envious locals to view your wondrous array of halloumi, charcuterie and ricotta – which are coincidently the names of your children. Even neighbour’s pets will be left impressed by your dog’s tinned tofu treats, accompanied by doggy crudités and avocado flavoured chorizo.

One shopper explained: ‘I’m obviously a better person, but I need you to know that as well. It’s not enough that I voted Remain and can name more than one type of mustard. Everyone needs to know their place – in my case, it’s plaice with pea purée, served asparagus and not a nectar point in sight’.

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