In an unprecedented move, rating agency Moody’s has downgraded the UK’s Black Friday and Cyber Monday due to a combination of rising inflation, heightened unpredictability and an acute shortage of anyone who knows what the fuck they’re doing.
Cyber Monday will now be replaced by Analogue Wednesday on 14th February 2023. Valentine’s Day will be brought forward a month and will now share 14th January 2023 with STI Awareness Day.
It’s thought that Moody’s was forced to take action after discovering that Chancellor Jeremy Hunt used a cheque post-dated for “33rd Novembruary 2052” to make a payment toward the country’s national debt.
The Government, predictably, has played down the effect that losing Black Friday could have on the country’s embattled finances.
'Black Friday is just a marketing gimmick, like affordable energy bills or a functioning NHS' said Treasury spokesman Simon Jones.
'If people are concerned that Moody’s actions mean the end of the traditional Black Friday riots, they needn’t worry. Thanks to the Government’s expert mishandling of the economy, we’re going to have more civil unrest than you can shake a stick at. A big, pointy stick that’s been wrapped in barbed wire and has nails sticking out of it.'
Despite his bullish remarks, Mr Jones refused to comment on speculation that next year’s Black Friday could be demoted to Brown Tuesday or, even worse, Musk Sunday.