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A much-loved and popular store near you is closing soon.  Loyal shoppers are devastated and say that the closure will have life changing consequences.


The closure is thought to be because the company is in trouble, or because the lease has ended, or because people don’t buy that sort of stuff any more, or because they are relocating to larger or smaller premises, or because of shoplifting, or because there was a cannabis farm in the roof.  The store is expected to cease trading later this year, or possibly next year.


We contacted staff members who were gutted by the closure plans. Jezza, who has worked at the store for a number of weeks, says that of all the minimum wage jobs he’s had, this is definitely one of them. He asked us not to mention the company products stuffed up his jumper, and said that he’d been asked to take them home for testing.


We contacted the company for comment, but their company policy is not to comment.   They did, however, comment that they have lots of branches and that there will still be a number of stores nearby.   They also said that store closures do happen fairly frequently, and the local media’s obsession with running stories about them was driving everyone at the company slightly nuts.


Colin, a shopper who has lived locally for 70 years, says that he is a big fan of the company’s products and that he finds them very useful.  He used to shop at the store every day, up until the restraining order. He says that the journey to the next nearest store is not difficult, although he can’t shop there either, for reasons that he wouldn’t disclose.



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In an unprecedented move, rating agency Moody’s has downgraded the UK’s Black Friday and Cyber Monday due to a combination of rising inflation, heightened unpredictability and an acute shortage of anyone who knows what the fuck they’re doing.


Cyber Monday will now be replaced by Analogue Wednesday on 14th February 2023. Valentine’s Day will be brought forward a month and will now share 14th January 2023 with STI Awareness Day.


It’s thought that Moody’s was forced to take action after discovering that Chancellor Jeremy Hunt used a cheque post-dated for “33rd Novembruary 2052” to make a payment toward the country’s national debt.


The Government, predictably, has played down the effect that losing Black Friday could have on the country’s embattled finances.


'Black Friday is just a marketing gimmick, like affordable energy bills or a functioning NHS' said Treasury spokesman Simon Jones.


'If people are concerned that Moody’s actions mean the end of the traditional Black Friday riots, they needn’t worry. Thanks to the Government’s expert mishandling of the economy, we’re going to have more civil unrest than you can shake a stick at. A big, pointy stick that’s been wrapped in barbed wire and has nails sticking out of it.'


Despite his bullish remarks, Mr Jones refused to comment on speculation that next year’s Black Friday could be demoted to Brown Tuesday or, even worse, Musk Sunday.


Author: Humpenscrumpjnr


Image: Newsbiscuit


First published 28 Nov 2022



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