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We assumed you were happy paddling in shit, say water companies

Consumers facing a 40% rise in water rates for the privilege of being able to turn on the tap and see Simon Cowell’s leering visage tearing into a novelty kazoo act beautifully rendered in slithering excrement have been told to ‘shit or get out of the bath (already full of shit)’ by hard-pressed industry leaders.

Liv Garfield, the chief executive of Severn Trent Water currently scraping by on £3.9 million pay and bonuses a year, definitely did not say; ‘For f*ck’s sake, what do you want, blood? No one gets the full service for the headline price any more.

‘Everyone knows to budget £500 for that £20 advertised airline ticket if you actually want your luggage, mobile devices, breathable air and a plywood-patched floor accompanying you all the way to an airstrip 125 miles from the destination of your choice (outside school holidays).

‘After swallowing the biggest hike in rail fares in a decade, no commuter expects an actual train to turn up. Brown water, backed up pipes and choking porpoises are very much the bus replacement service of the water industry. We’ve been fools, to be honest, raising prices just 15% year on year- that won’t see us push 370,000 leaks to half a million. Pay up, or there’s plenty of lovely water 370 miles off the coast of Newfoundland we can introduce you to, capice?’

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