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We've not been watching the Jubilee. We can't afford the leccy.

Updated: Jun 5, 2022

Craig and Marie Porter spoke with our roving reporter as they sat in the park with their three children. "Happily, it's a nice warm day, so we are sitting out in the sun. We've hung most of our clothes up on that tree to see if the breeze takes away some of the pong. What with us not being able to run the washing machine.

"We'll take a walk a bit later and see if we can gatecrash a street party. We're hoping there are lots of nutricious nibbles and not just jelly. There's a chance we can snaffle some stuff to take home and have a feed tomorrow as well". Meanwhile, at Westminster Abbey a lot of posh tw*ts swanked about in bespoke outfits before going off to dine on gourmet quality food.

What do you mean this isn't funny. I know!

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