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Wight Supremacist wins Ventnor Council

Hot on the heels of Donald Trump's success, an Isle of Wight hotelier has secured a majority of parish seats – promising to build a wall around the UK mainland or at least put up the cost of ferry travel. Under the slogan - 'Make the island Wight again', Mrs Armitage had already established a reputation for building mini-golf courses throughout the Isle and grabbing neighbours pussy-cats for an unwelcome fondle.

Doris had run a controversial campaign using 'birther conspiracies', claiming her opponent's parents were not brother and sister. Mrs Armitage said she intends to replace universal health care with the healing powers of a Shanklin cream tea. Mirroring many of the President's promises, Doris has said she will impose tariffs on cheap Chinese sticks of rock, waterboard tourists in Blackgang Chine and even talked about maintaining lists of mainland immigrants: ' soon as one of us learns to write'.

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