With 34 candidates, Clacton voters complain of 'Far too much democracy'
- Titus
- 2 hours ago
- 2 min read
'It's so confusing' complained 104-year-old Ethel Filliblanket 'I always usually used to vote for those nice Whig people. I wonder what happened to them?' 'No, I prefer to waste my vote by voting Liberal' said her young friend, Gladys Carrot, 98, 'But I haven't heard anything from them this time. I do hope they're all right.'
'I'm gonna vote for the prime minister, Andy Binman, the one with the glasses. No, not that other one, Keir Starbin, although the glasses are identical' claimed Kevin Doorstop. 'But there are too many bins, really. What day are we supposed to be voting them out? Is it the Green Bin Party this week, or the Black Bin Party? Are they allowed to have a Black Bin Party nowadays - isn't that discrimination?'
'Look, it's perfectly simple' said retired Field-Marshal Admiral Coriolanus Corncrunch-Croddlethorne 'With a name like mine, you don't have any choice in the matter. You just have to vote for the Nasty Wicked Evil Party, obviously. Except I can't find them anywhere on the list, so I don't know which is best - to vote for the Even Nastier, More Wicked-and-Evil Reformatory Party, or the Completely Nasty, Utterly Wicked and Absolutely Evil Restoration Party. Actually, that last lot sound quite good. Everyone enjoys a good comedy!'
The latest opinion polls suggests that it's likely to be a landslide win for the People's Democratic Popular Monster Raving Loony Binface Resurrect-Britain Front. Unless some other candidate gets more votes, of course. And, suggests our NewsBiscuit correspondent, 'That's assuming that, in this furnace-like heat, anyone can be arsed to trudge all the way down to the polling station, read all the way though through the tedious, long list of sad twats who are standing for election, eventually choose one of them, then tick the box, and somehow manage to fold it up and cram all of it into the ballot box.'
'Heaven help the poor sods who'll have to spend weeks counting all this crap. Imagine the never-ending confusion and chaos if we had some damn-silly Proportional Representation system - half the voters would have a nervous breakdown. Let's just hope they eventually manage to actually complete the count before Clacton's next by-election in a week or two.'
Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here.
