The fake MP

Interpol searching for Nigel Farage

The Metropolitan Police has thrown its collective arms up in despair after searching fruitlessly for weeks for the not-usually-publicity-shy Reform leader. 'We tried the House of Commons but drew a blank, we even contacted Clacton police station but they just laughed and hung up on us,' said a spokesman.

The BBC Question Time team has been approached for clues, but they're as puzzled as everyone else. Even Laura Kuenssberg hasn't seen him and is pining.

'We've asked Interpol to assist, but we're not holding our breath. Their liaison asked if we'd checked the South Coast for dinghies that could be transporting him. We don't think they're taking it very seriously, either,' the spokesman said.

Image: WixAI

Protest voters to back Labour for a laugh?

It's the one thing which could save Labour from election catastrophe, say Britain's political pundits.

Yes! Labour could pick up thousands of votes from disillusioned punters casting protest ballots against the nations two dominant parties: Reform UK and the Greens.

'I thought of voting for one of those big parties,' said disillusioned voter Tracey from Clacton. 'But my mate Paul told me that one of them got five million krypto injections from a billionaire, or summat like that.

'And I heard that the other one says he speaks for the Red Cross, but he should be speaking for the Green Cross Code, shouldn't he, if he's a Green?'

'That's when I decided to waste my vote on some lot who are led a total loser and who've got no chance of winning any seats at all. Labour were the obvious ones."

'Labour is increasingly becoming the party of choice for voters who want to have a laugh at this election and who've got a bit bored with clown shows like Screaming Lord Sutch and Ed Davey," said one bemused psephologist. 'Supporting sad-sack Starmer is the trendy new way to put two fingers up to a two-party state dominated by the Greens and Reform UK.'

An unreliable source told us that he had seen Sir Keir Starmer at a polling station in Farrington Gurney dressed as Bozo the Clown, and lobbing custard pies at tied-up labradors.

Image credit: perchance.org