top of page
Search

Reform to start their own Estate Agency

ree

In what is thought to be a Parliamentary first, Reform PLC has decided to branch out into estate agency work - sourcing, selling and buying properties across the UK.  Well, the pretty bits of the UK and also in Clacton.


'We've branched into selling football shirts, flags and mugs...,' said a spokesman, adding, '...mugs buy them.  And pay us £25 to join a limited company.


'It turns out we've acquired a certain amount of experience in the housing market - our glorious leader has six properties, er, well five properties, well five-ish properties and knows his way around the legal potholes in buying houses.


'He doesn't know about the potholes in Clacton, before you ask,' he added.


'He also knows how to ensure cashflow in a business, or more exactly how to flow cash.  He knows that most tax inspectors are dog-sh!t at their job.


'He doesn't know about the dog-sh!t problems in Clacton, either,' he admitted.


'If you're selling a property then he'll attend to it - unless it means attending in Parliament or his Clacton constituency surgery,' he said.



Reform voters after "Clacton Face" left out of pocket and frozen faced

ree

By our Summer Fashion Trends Reporter, Des Perrott



Following the identification of “Mar-a-Lago face” amongst wealthier MAGA supporters, it is now believed that many Reform UK supporters are copying their own leader’s unique look.


It has been nicknamed “Clacton Face”, or more simply “The Clac”, after the seaside town where Farage spent some time last year. The “Clac” consists of a grey and receding hairline and a perma-tan face with distinctive tree-ring pattern of wrinkles created by years of alternately gurning then switching on a serious political expression, often in a cloud of smoke.


However, supporters have been known to go to great lengths in this display of loyalty, despite many not having much money and it looking particularly odd on his female supporters. Inevitably, as our research department’s analysis shows, there have been unfortunate results.


We spoke to Bert Smith, a retired turf accountant in Basildon. According to Bert, “I managed to dye and shrink my Beatles wig to get the hairline and got a block booking at the tanning salon but the wrinkles were the problem. I can’t afford plastic surgery - I bet it would be on the NHS if we hadn’t let so many migrants in - so I had to ask a bloke down the Tattoo Parlour to see what he could do for twenty quid.


“He tried his best in half an hour but now my mates say my face is frozen like a pink-cheeked rabbit in the headlights. Honestly, it’s a scandal. People will think I support Starmer.”



Farage to sue satnav company after failing to locate Clacton

ree

Nigel Farage, Prime Minister-in-Waiting, has announced a lawsuit against Trotters Independent Traders over ‘dodgy’ navigation advice.


‘Every blasted time I try to visit Clacton it sends me somewhere else’, he told reporters. In 2024 alone it sent me to Arizona, Chicago, Kuala Lumpur, Pennsylvania, New York and Washington. This year it’s dumped me in Washington (twice), Florida, France, Las Vegas and Abu Dhabi’.


Residents have mixed feelings. Geoff (67) is a registered idiot: ‘I voted for Nige and I think the sun shines out of his arse. No, really, I actually believe that. Astronomy isn’t my strongest subject’.


Cathy (26) has an IQ greater than her pulse, and is quite pleased that the leather-bound politician is staying away. ‘Given the number of Reform candidates who end up arrested or suspended, I feel safer knowing he’s thousands of miles away. Could they send him into space?’


Trotters have refused a refund on the basis that Farage somehow manages to find every TV studio within a 200 mile radius. It’s a mystery.



bottom of page