Toddlers everywhere are up in arms, it has emerged. A nipper from Preston who can't be named for legal reasons said, 'During the latest revamp of the bathroom, there is strong suspicion that home fashions have been placed above my own needs. My parents took a decision based on flimsy evidence to install a bidet next to the toilet. Following a period of close observation, records show that the bidet has been used a grand total of 0.0 times. There was one occasion where my father raised his foot and waggled it in the basin area of the bidet with a quizzical look on his face, but that his been discounted from the list of acceptable definitions of actual bidet use.'
'Instead of a pointless bidet which will never actually be used, a small toilet for young children could have been installed. Estimates suggest that at an average rate of number one and number one and number two combined usage 4 times per day over a period of 6 years, the utility function of a small toilet knocks bidet requirement into a cocked hat.
'Given that I have a younger brother and little sister on the way (don't tell my father) then one has to conclude that my parents are uncaring, self-serving fashionistas who have shown little consideration towards the needs of their own children. Frankly, in choosing to install a bidet, one can go as far as to question their understanding of current UK household trends and property value enhancement.
'Currently, we have to clamber precariously onto the full size adult toilet. There is a fair to high risk of my brother or me falling in. And when it comes to number ones, we are made to stand on the household dictionary atop an encyclopedia. It is clear that those books see just as much use as the bidet in this household.
'The sad truth is that we are not alone. I am calling on toddlers everywhere to take definitive action as we organise a campaign of civil disobedience and dirty protests.'