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Your April Horoscope, by Toxic Meg

Aries: This month’s full moon will compel you to climb on top of your neighbour’s shed, take all your clothes off, and adopt a cruciform pose. Just like you did last month.

Taurus: Your dreams of romance will suffer a setback when you receive a ‘cease and desist’ letter from lawyers representing Huw Edwards, ordering you to stop sending him your soiled underwear in the post. You will feel heartbroken, until a few days later when your romantic hopes are revived as you spot one of your lacy pink g-strings sticking out of Huw’s pocket as he presents the 10 O’Clock News.

Gemini: While imbibing the blood of a virgin, you will be distracted by the thought, 'Did I leave the gas on back at the crypt?'

Cancer: Saturn in your 4th house indicates there is cat sick in your future.

Leo: Once in every generation there is a rare and magical alignment of the planets, which results in the birth of a remarkable and talented human being who is a special gift to mankind. No, I’m not talking about you – you were a mistake that happened when your parents got p!ssed on Blue Nun at a swingers party.

Virgo: No way. How many men & women have you said that to?

Libra: The planets have an important message for you: ‘apply to the affected area 3 times a day, until the rash disappears’. No, hang on - that’s my prescription…

Scorpio: You wonder how my predictions have been so frighteningly accurate and personal - do I truly have the gift, or is it because I am stalking you? Leave them all, come with me before the voices in my head turn against you. An unexpected journey is on the cards - one way or another.

Sagittarius: As Mercury turns his back on you, you will buy a loaf of bread and discover that all the slices have the face of Jesus on them. Your local newspaper will run a story about it which goes viral, but you will be ridiculed when tests show the face depicted in the bread is actually that of Russell Brand.

Capricorn: It’s not your fault, Capricorn – how were you supposed to know that public toilet had been converted into a newsagent’s? At least the pile of newspapers in the corner helped to soak some of it up.

Aquarius: You have a big choice to make this week. It may comfort you to know that whatever you opt for will be wrong.

Pisces: As Jupiter enters your sign sideways, the finger of fate will point at you. That’s not good news – you’ll be in a police line-up when it happens.

H/Ts: SteveB, Sinnick, FlashArry, Lockjaw

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