Aries: Apologies for last month’s predictions, I was having a mare of a day and spread it around with a big trowel. You are all lovely people, and nice things will happen to you - except Janice Obermann of Nantwich. You know why, you heartless b!tch.
Taurus: This month your dream will finally come true! No, not the one where you’re making love with Chris Hemsworth on a tropical beach – the one where you’re sitting on a toilet completely naked while your work colleagues laugh at you, and all your teeth fall out.
Gemini: Just one word for you this month: Eeugh!
Cancer: As Mercury enters your sign backwards, you will receive an important message. It’s an email from Weightwatchers, informing you that they must regretfully reject your application to join, owing to the fact that they can’t work miracles.
Leo: The life line of your palm says you will live long and prosper. That the local paper is running your obituary on Thursday and charging you eight hundred quid for it up front is an insignificant detail.
Virgo: You’ve always wanted to be made famous by having something named after you, and this month it will finally happen when you become the first person to be diagnosed with a rather unpleasant disease. There’s no cure, but at least it will explain what’s been causing your terrible flatulence, and the genital warts.
Orion: You will meet the love of your life in the next few days, get married, have beautiful children and live happily ever after. Well, not really, because Orion is not a zodiac sign, you gullible tw@t!
Libra: Saturn aligns with Uranus in your sign this month, resulting in you being afflicted with piles the size of tennis balls. It’s not all bad news, as you’ll soon discover that the piles enable you to fart a note-perfect rendition of Nessun Dorma. Don’t reach for the Anusol right away – try your luck on Britain’s Got Talent first.
Scorpio: Due to an unfortunate oversight, the planets have completely neglected to make any predictions for you this month. You can’t really blame them, you are very forgettable.
Sagittarius: Neptune told me to tell you your new jeans make your @rse look fat.
Capricorn: You will be shocked to discover that by some bizarre clerical error you were elected president of Zimbabwe in 2019. Fortunately, you were deposed in a bloody coup a few months later. Just as well you weren't there.
Aquarius: The moon moves into your sign this month, bringing with it an air of confusion which will lead to an awkward misunderstanding. Don’t feel too embarrassed - mistaking the grief counselling centre for a public toilet is easy to do, after 3 bottles of cheap vodka. And crapping on a chair could be interpreted as an expression of grief, I suppose…
Pisces: As Mars collides with Venus in your house of good fortune, something momentous is about to happen to you which will change your whole life! This could turn out to be a fabulous opportunity, or it could all end in complete disaster, everything depends on how you handle the situation. All will be well if you remember this one vital piece of information…
Sorry, I’ve got to go now - the microwave has just pinged, so my dinner is ready. I’ll see you next month, unless you handle things all wrong like you usually do, in which case I definitely won’t…
Hat tips go to:
FlashArry – Aries
lockjaw – Gemini
SteveB – Leo
Sinnick – Orion
sydalg - Capricorn