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Your monthly horoscope, by Toxic Meg

Aries: A leopard will cross your path. Count the number of spots, divide by the amount of clouds Tomasz Schafernaker points to after the BBC lunchtime news, and submit that as your tax return. Taurus: As the moon enters Scorpio, you will be visited by a mysterious figure, who seeks magical numbers. Only you have the key. A week later, you will receive a gas bill. These two events may or may not be connected. Gemini: Mars is in retrograde in your Third House, which I think means you will have to back the car out of the drive today. Cancer: The planets have an important message for you: ‘Bread, milk, Rizlas, 3 bottles of gin’… No, hang on, that’s my shopping list… Leo: Like most Leos, you don't believe in this bullsh!t, so never read it. Shame, because you'll not know about the fridge about to land on your head. Virgo: This Thursday you will reach your pants horizon. No matter how frantically you grope around in the laundry basket, your Friday knickers will not reveal themselves. Did you leave them at Barry's? Or is that the pet pug from number 17 with them on his head tearing around aloose in the street and clattering into the recycling bins? Libra: That stupid trick you did at the office party, with the glass of Lambrini balanced on a painfully inserted spoon, was embarrassing: don't give up the day job. Scorpio: You will see the face of your long-dead geography teacher on your morning toast yet again. This has no profound implications about the meaning of life. He just likes showing up and freaking people out. Sagittarius: Despite my advice, you went and did it anyway, now look at the mess you are in. That is the last time I try to help. You disgust me. Capricorn: Venus in your sign guarantees everything will go well on a romantic dinner date. Unfortunately, you’ll sh*t yourself in the taxi on the way back to his place afterwards.

Aquarius: Today you will discover dairy produce in your anus. The milkman will be the prime suspect, but don't jump to conclusions. Pisces: Destiny sees you wearing a crown. Henceforth, you shall be known as Princess P*ss-Flaps, but only among the Pornhub community.

Hat tips to: SteveB, Lockjaw. Throngsman, Sinnick, Sydalg, FlashArry

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