Education Minister David Laws says that free school dinners for primary school children will include ‘rabbit and pony’.
Amid the furore about keeping the pound as its currency and the confirmation that it could take ‘over five years’ to join the EU, Alex Salmond has revealed that the Mars Bar would be an interim currency.
‘The decision to allow a fourth chin is an environmental disaster’ said Greenpeace activist Fenton Barnes. ‘The expansion in the capacity of Eric Pickles will only lead to a large increase in greenhouse gas emissions, specifically methane’.
Barclays’ business customers will now be able to log on by scanning the unique pattern of their veins; or as one banker described it as ‘…the fast track to their life essence’. Slumbering in their coffins by day, Barclays’ employees will now visit savers in their homes at twilight but only if the customer has signed a waver ‘inviting them in’, ‘banning the use of garlic’ and to avoid all reference to ‘PPIs’.