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Man called Tim elected to something

A man called Tim has been elected to something. Tim told a packed Vauxhall Corsa: ‘Hi everyone, my name’s Tim, and I am pleased most people voted for me, and if you voted for the other fella, well c’est la vie. That’s politics. It is politics isn’t it? Because I’m also up for being on the allotment committee.’

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Sacked librarians going feral

Thousands of librarians sacked as part of Operation Austerity are creating havoc on the streets of Britain. The incidents are modest at the outset – some aggressive tutting, an occasional stare at a noisy neighbour – but quickly escalate into a frenzy of violence and sexual excess.

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Former BNP leader denies kebab habit caused fat blockage in Welsh town

Former leader of the British National Party, Nick Griffin, has denied reports that the fat blockage causing a problem in the sewers of his adopted town of Welshpool is down to his takeaway habit.

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International Federation of Accountants to strike off Oskar Groening

The International Federation of Accountants (IFAC) announced today that recently convicted War Criminal and Bookkeeper Oskar Groening will be struck off and told he will no longer be able to legally practice as an Accountant/bookkeeper.

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NASA blames slow WiFi for delay in Pluto photos

Frustrated engineers at NASA are still waiting for all images to be downloaded from the New Horizons probe due to low bandwidth and network problems in the Pluto area.

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