Adult entertainers throughout the world flocked to a crematorium in south London yesterday to pay their dues to Eric Swell, the last known purchaser of full-price pornography. Germans and Swedes rubbed shoulders in the packed chapel as Mr Swell’s coffin glided through the curtains to the moving strains of ‘slap funk bass incidental 5 – the plumber rings the doorbell’.
Single homeless people sleeping in cardboard boxes will be penalised for each container over-and-above their ‘main bedroom box’, the government has confirmed. The levy on income will be deducted at source, from the paper cups in front of them, by specially-trained ‘proceeds of begging recovery experts’.
Dave Wills, a 46-year-old murderer with ‘locked up’ syndrome, will today seek a judicial review into his right to escape. ‘Life has become a living hell for me,’ said the killer. ‘I completely lack the means to commit homicide, so want the judges to allow my warders to carry out an assisted escape without fear of prosecution, although I’m not overly fussed about that last part.’
The police have confirmed that they broke their own guidelines on guideline breaching no fewer than 2,000 times since their newest guidelines on how and when it’s OK to breach their own guidelines were published in June 2012.
BAFTA winning series ‘Celebrity Dawn Raid’ by Scotland Yard Productions, the showbiz wing of the Metropolitan Police, has been commissioned for a second series.