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Cameron to base next election around iTunes

‘Ten years ago, the only way to obtain a legitimate copy of a song you had to buy the whole CD. Now, you just download the songs you want and ignore the rest. We’re going to do this with policy too. Why elect a manifesto that has bugger all to do with you?’

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‘Actually we won,’ claims SNP

‘Truth is, we ran rings around them Sassenachs,’ he said in a confidential briefing, about to be published in Wikileaks. ‘We didnae want full independence – that was just a negotiating ploy. We wanted more tax powers, more oil revenue and less interference from London. We got a’ that and more.’

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England to release Scottish hostages

Regardless of the outcome of the Scottish referendum, Prime Minister David Cameron has agreed in principle to release the thousands of Scottish citizens being held in captivity south of the border. Many have been forced into high paid banking jobs, Ministerial roles or lucrative singing contracts on the Britain’s Got Talent.

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Nazareth man on disability benefit secretly filmed performing miracles

Although trained as a carpenter, Jesus lists his occupation as “Messiah and Son of God”, and claims to be unfit for work due to complications arising from being born of a virgin in a stable. While he insists “miracle is too strong a word” for what he does, he admits to “some amazing catering skills” with bread and seafood.

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God to introduce contactless payment technology

In a surprise move, God has announced a strategic alliance with Barclays Bank to utilise contactless payment technology to replace old-fashioned confessions.

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