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New figures show hospital patients waiting too long to be put into cupboards

A new report has also confirmed that many patients are suffering the indignity of having to share large rooms, or ‘wards’, with other sick people while waiting for cupboards to become available.

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Malian hero ‘punished with French citizenship’

‘Now every time I try to sneak aboard a British lorry I’m recognised and have to spend ages signing copies of this week’s Charlie Hebdo before being bundled back to Paris,’

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More countries allowing women combat roles ‘could lead to female-only battles’

Women worldwide have demanded the equal right to fight each other to the death in a military conflict, leaving male chauvinist critics to make lame jokes about where they will put their handbags while handling surface to air weapons, and whether they will take slightly longer to get battle-ready than their male counterparts.

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Google ‘still fully committed to ludicrous inventions’

Following the withdrawal of Google Glass, the company has confirmed its intention to continue ‘seeking out ridiculous and pointless inventions’ in a bid to ‘permanently blur the boundaries between reality, science fiction and a psychotic episode caused by taking experimental drugs’.

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Empty chair surges ahead of Cameron in polls

The chair, currently believed to be standing independently, has already received tentative offers from all of the main parties to join with them should the results of the general election force another coalition.

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