NewsBiscuit

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Met Office issues amber ‘nyah, nyah, ne-nyah, nyah’

A spokesman from the Met Office admitted today that the earlier warning to ‘stay indoors’, particularly on Friday, was simply a ruse to clear the roads for their staff.

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Foreign students thrive in UK heatwave

The seasonally warm weather is giving those hosting teenagers from southern Europe welcome respite from incessant whinging.

‘Pedro and Sebastian are well mannered, lovely lads’ said Mrs Brown, 45, of Worthing. ‘However, we get pretty fed up with them constantly whining that they’re cold when it’s a positively balmy 19 degrees. They just do not get the concept of a good vest and cardigan.’

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Shortest ever middle-east ceasefire proposed

After countless ceasefires have been broken, UN peacebrokers are proposing a 30 second ceasefire, timed for 4am on a Tuesday, in the hope that this time all participants might be able to actually resist firing for the entire duration of the ceasefire, and it won’t be necessary to sigh and report about another ceasefire ‘broken’.

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Shock as Ofsted report finds pupil achievement ‘depends on intelligence’

After many years of analysis, research and data collection, Ofsted has finally determined that the overall final achievement level of children in UK schools is entirely dependent on how clever they are.

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Cameron based reshuffle on Marvel comics’ rebranding of Thor as a woman

Claims emerged today that the Prime Minister’s entire reshuffle strategy was based upon the Marvel Comics’ character Thor being recast as a woman.

‘This had nothing to do with gender balance or equity’, said a Westminster spokesman dressed as Spiderman.

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