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‘Dirty’ Fuel needs to be replaced with something ‘less smutty’ – insists UN

The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) has published a damning report on how ‘excessively crude’ oils are corrupting the young with their reliance on ‘salacious carbon-intensive’ fuels and lewd references to ‘fracking’. UN scientists now support a swift transition to ‘less risqué’ forms of energy, such as ‘natural gas’ – which although fostering scatological humour does at least lower emissions ‘without lowering the tone.’

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NHS resurrection performance slammed

The NHS is failing to meet government targets to raise people from the dead according to a new report from the NHS watchdog Nicene.

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US threatens Russia with more sanctions, starting with the export of Disney films

Barrack Obama has stepped up the rhetoric in the dispute with Vladimir Putin over Russia’s actions in Ukraine, confirming that any further threats to Ukrainian sovereignty would lead to drastic action, starting with a full and non-negotiable export ban on Disney films.

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Welsh sheep ‘lack vision’ says damning report

‘The country has too many under-performing breeds content to just stand around in fields all day munching grass. They need to look beyond the farm gate.’

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The Verve accused of peddling inadequate flu-remedy

The songwriter Richard Ashcroft and his band have come under close scrutiny with regards their connection between 90s rock music and the UK stockpiling £473m of Tamiflu in 2006. The Cochrane Collaboration claims the drug had no positive impact on the flu pandemic and there is a growing suspicion that The Verve’s No.1, ‘The Drugs Don’t Work’, was a clear mission statement for future clinical trials.

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