Starmer: I'll bore all Britain's problems to death

'I urge Labour not to replace me as leader with anyone like Burnham or Streeting until they seriously compare their abilities to solve Britain's problems with my own,' droned Sir Keir.

'I have an amazing talent," he continued to mumble, nasally. "I can sit opposite a hardened teetotaller and talk to them and within two minutes they're wondering whether 10 am is an OK time to start drinking.

'Within ten minutes, they are well and truly comatose.

'That's how I have been able to spend the past two years boring Britain's problems into submission. Rachel from Accounts has given me wonderful assistance in her turgid, uninspired approach to running government finances.

'Your great fear should be that any new leader will come in with a racket and stir all these problems up again, just when they were thinking of wandering off and troubling some other nation, instead.'

Two year old "prick" shortlisted for next FIFA peace prize

Clacton toddler, Wayne Jenkins, has been shortlisted for the 2027 FIFA Peace Prize.

Rachel Meadon has been a babysitter for Wayne and speaking from her hospital bed, Ms Meadon issued the statement, "My god, that little ****?"

FIFA president, Gianni Infantino, explained the decision. "Our first thought was to give it to Donald Trump again but in the long tradition of the peace prize, no one has received it twice. So we spread the net a bit wider and we discovered on a childcare WhatsApp group a video of a screaming toddler throwing not only his toys out of his pram but also the pram itself and we felt we'd found our man, er, child.

64,500 no shows for driving test – 7% of them still passed

According to the DVSA, 3.2% of test bookings are missed, but some inept drivers do better by not turning up. Explained Charlie (17), 'Parallel parking becomes irrelevant if you refuse to acknowledge parallels. There are no minor faults if there is no corporeal foot touching the pedal.'

One Instructor explained, 'It's not for everyone and this way the car remains in a pristine, Schrödinger’s clutch state. You also avoid the existential horror of a roundabout entirely. You never stall—because you never initiated first gear. And your hazard perception is perfect: as you pre‑emptively avoid all possible universes.'

The test score for a no show says you achieved a '100% record of no incidents whatsoever (non-participatory)'. The knock on is that the theory of driving remains beautifully theoretical.