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Darth Vader ‘gutted’ Jeremy Corbyn has forgotten him

‘He holidayed on the Death Star, I let him destroy a planet’, sobbed Lord Vader. ‘He even asked if I could lend it him to deal with a ‘pesky’ nation he was bothered about. I’ll vote Tory next time – they never forget a friendly tyrant.’

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Jeremy Hunt ‘suffering from meddling-citis, doctors say

The General Medical Council has today declared that Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt is suffering from a disease dubbed ‘meddling-citis’, a pathological inability to keep out of affairs of others who really do know better. To treat this, it has recommended that he be knocked unconscious with a speculum and treated with strong antibiotics well away from Parliament.

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‘Awesome’ to be redefined as ‘normal’

The Oxford English Dictionary has announced that it is redefining the meaning of certain words in the light of their usage deviating from international variations. A spokesman added that the OED is ‘determined to embrace modern word usage, like totally’.

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Coe must have been on drugs during IAAF vote win, opponent claims

Bubka said that it ‘beggered belief’ that Coe could have improved his standing within the sport so dramatically. ‘We were neck and neck going into the final ballot count, then Coe eased past me as if he had only seconds left in which to pick up his £300 daily attendance allowance,’ he said.

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Liz Kendall accused of anti-Corbyn toilet graffiti

‘It isn’t an isolated incident,’ explained a spokesman. ‘Jeremy found a horse’s head in his bed this morning and somebody has drawn antennae on his official photograph and blacked out one of his teeth to make him look like a weird space alien. It’s faintly reminiscent of Ed Miliband.’

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