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Islamic State ‘disappointed at UK fighters ability to wash dishes’

‘They’re lazy, want to stay in bed all day playing Call of Duty on their XBox consoles,’ he told reporters, ‘and what’s worse is that some of these twats have knocked me off the leader board,’ he added.

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Blair Christmas card used at Guantanamo to frighten terrorists

Tony Blair has revealed that his 2014 Christmas Card photo was originally intended as part of a Psy Ops campaign to frighten jihadists at Guantanamo Bay.

‘Look, if we want win the war on terror, we have to be prepared to use extreme tactics’, he told reporters. ‘Psychologists have been using pictures of Cherie in experiments for years, so they’d already obtained approval from their ethics committees.

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Stephen Hawking warns that Artificial Intelligence could end Angry Birds

Prof Stephen Hawking, one of Britain’s pre-eminent scientists, has said that efforts to create thinking machines pose a threat to the very existence of mindless computer games such as Angry Birds. He explained, ‘The development of full artificial intelligence could spell the end of stupid people being able to waste their time on stupid wastes of time.’

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Suspicious bear found in Paddington Station destroyed by controlled explosion

Among the debris found was the remains of a marmalade sandwich, believed to be a possible ingredient in the terrorist’s chemical concoction.’

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Stonehenge tunnel to be put on hold as tunnellers find ‘prehistoric tunnel’

Pre-historic men may have already built a tunnel under Stonehenge to ease traffic conditions for visitors to the area over 7000 years ago. Archaeologists say excavators of the new tunnel have had to put digging on hold while the old tunnel is investigated.

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