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NRA call for clergy to be armed

‘Criminals will think twice about entering a church if they know they’ll be confronted by a pastor wielding a bible in one hand and an AR-15 in the other.’

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New ‘Mindlessness’ craze sweeps nation

‘At work, at home, in relationships’ said one proponent, Dave Brainfart, ‘not thinking about the consequences of anything can have a real life-enriching impact, whether through hare-brained fecklessness or simply through unthinking the drudgery of a dead-end job.’

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Trump targets comb-over vote in bid for White House

‘We’ve been laughed at for too long’ said Trump. ‘It’s time for follicly-challenged men everywhere to stand up and be counted. To stand tall and proud like your hair on a windy day on a championship links golf course’.

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All police investigations ‘on hold’ until all historical investigations completed

Experts believe that ‘approximately a quarter of all serving officers are engaged on Operation Yewtree, twenty percent on historical abuse complaints and the remainder on investigating police cock ups at Hillsborough, the Miner’s strike and ‘that fracas outside the House of Commons’.

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Rachel Dolezal replaced at NAACP by Ali G

‘We don’t understand how we missed Rachel’s lack of skin colour, but at least with Ali G at the helm nothing could go wrong for this interim period,’ said a NAACP spokesman today

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