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Lee Anderson – blink twice if you need help

We’re growing concerned about Lee’s welfare. It’s like a scene from Tom Brown’s schooldays or Lord of The Flies. Or maybe the first act of The Devil Wears Prada but with an oafish ex-miner instead of Anne Hathaway . . . no, that doesn’t work, and I’ve got the two images stuck together now. That’s a good w*nk ruined.


We ask: is Lee Anderson the subject of workplace bullying?


Nigel doesn’t let him use the season ticket for Question Time, he answers questions on Lee’s behalf and he’s passed him over for a spokesman – sorry, Shadow Ministerial – post. NewsBiscuit asks: is Lee being held against his will?


(Sarah Pochin was also passed over for the “shadow cabinet” but we reckon she can look after herself – she’s rumoured to shoot laser beams from her eyes. Look at them. Terrifying)


Lee, on the other hand, is one of nature’s naives. He likes to think that poor grammar and a regional accent make him ‘hard’, but he’s soft where it counts – in his prefrontal cortex. All Lee wants to do is join political parties, insult strangers on Twitter and play on his tyre swing. Rumours abound that Nigel won’t let him even talk to Rupert Lowe, in case little Lee fancies his chances at a fourth party and the Guinness Book of Records.


So Lee, if somebody reads this out to you – blink twice on the news and we’ll come and rescue you. We can rehome you with people who won’t mock your IQ or make you eat vegetables and we’ll even try to find others of your species to keep you company. Or a mirror.



British Medical Association Rebrands HQ as Workhouse Following Staff Pay Strike

LONDON – In a move described as "refreshingly traditional," the British Medical Association has responded to its staff's strike action by installing a row of spinning jennies in the accounts department and replacing the staff canteen with a single, communal bucket of lukewarm gruel.


The Board of Guardians (formerly the Executive Committee) issued a statement from the comfort of a velvet-lined sedan chair, confirming that while they demand a "Golden Stethoscope and a Hereditary Peerage" for every Junior Doctor, their own support staff must learn to survive on a diet of "grit and chimney-sweepings."


The "Tavistock Square Workhouse" Reforms:


The Pay Rise: Staff have been offered a "Bountiful Shilling" per annum, provided they can prove they haven't smiled during office hours.


The "Half-Rat" Benefit: Following reports of hunger, the BMA has sanctioned the trapping of rodents in the basement. Staff are permitted to share one rat between four, provided they bring their own salt and don't get "ideas above their station."


The "Golden Carriage" Clause: The BMA insists that its represented doctors require carriages with "suspension made of unicorn silk," while office staff have been told that "shoes are a privilege, not a right," and have been issued with commemorative BMA-branded foot-bindings.


"Please Sir, I Want Some More... Paid Leave"


The industrial action was finally triggered when the BMA’s Chief Beadle replaced the building’s porcelain chamber pots with "eco-conscious" biodegradable doggy bags.


"It was a bridge too far," sobbed one Junior Data-Scrivener, while attempting to sharpen a quill by the flickering light of a single tallow stump. "We stayed quiet when the working day was extended to twenty hours, and we squinted through the candlelight without complaint. But being forced to perform our morning duties into a bag previously reserved for a Spaniel is where we draw the line. We may be the idle poor, but we’re not going to spend our only ten-minute break trying to tie a double-knot with frostbitten fingers."


When the British Medical Association was asked to comment their spokesman said "We are shocked by the ingratitude, we already provide a 'Mental Health Support' scheme consisting of a framed photograph of a loaf of bread, and we’ve even reduced the number of hours children are allowed to spend greasing the elevators. What more do these scoundrels want? A window with a view of the sun?"


At press time, the BMA had successfully petitioned the Home Office to allow them to pay their striking staff in "Company Script" redeemable only at the BMA gift shop, which currently only stocks leeches and top-hat polish.



Trump demands Nobel Ceasefire Prize

"No one ever made a better ceasefire deal than this," bragged Trump to reporters during his one-man victory parade down Pennsylvania Avenue.


"I told Iran I wouldn't bomb them for two weeks and they agreed not to get bombed.


"That's after I swore at them and threatened to commit a load of massive war crimes. But when my generals refused to do the war crimes for me, I generously agreed not to. Plus, Iran is continuing to charge ships to go through the Strait of Hormuz because there's nothing I can do about that.


"But now you're going to see a ceasefire like no ceasefire ever before. You'll be amazed at this incredible display of American ceasefire-power.


"So hand over that Nobel Prize now, you crazy Scandinavian bastards, or your whole civilisation will die tonight."



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