Professional Red Herring regrets career choice

Professional Red Herring, Luke Soguilty has opened his heart about his choice of career. "When I left school, under something of a cloud of suspicion, I didn't have any idea of how to earn an living."

"But then, by chance, several rich relatives died in mysterious circumstances. I say 'mysterious', but the police arrested me simply because my alibi was rubbish and I happened to own a similar harpoon gun to the one that killed 8 of them."

"Luckily, an eccentric but brilliant detective swooped in and proved it was actually a freak accident from a passing ship - unusual in Wolverhampton. I inherited a small fortune and I also got a 6 figure settlement for wrongful arrest and I thought this could be a steady job."

"But it's proved a nightmare; every time someone gets poisoned in a country house, I get arrested - I really wish I hadn't taken up a part time job as travelling fugu fish chef."

"I went on holiday to the Caribbean after the payout for that one, but got involved in a murder mystery simply because the victim had been heard shouting 'don't kill me Luke Soguilty of Wolverhampton!', a few seconds before he decided to shoot himself then hand me the smoking gun."

Empty lectern made new British Prime Minister

Britain and the Conservative party have a new leader today, after it was revealed that the empty lectern in Luxembourg was taking over the Brexit negotiations and the future direction of the United Kingdom.

'We felt it was more reliable, better informed and less likely to embarrass us than Boris Johnson' said a Conservative party insider. 'Plus it hasn't got as many women pregnant'. The empty lectern was welcomed to its new role by the Prime Minister of Luxembourg who said it was the most well-informed and articulate British leader he could remember. The lectern met with the Queen before returning to Westminster for a Cabinet meeting.

However the famous Downing Street lectern has vigorously objected to 'this new foreign lectern moving in', and now the Conservative party is splitting over the issue of British or European lecterns. 'There is only one way to resolve this' said one Cabinet insider, 'we are going to have a referendum.'

Peep's Diary, 17 June.

And so to the Bethlehem Hospital to view the Lunaticks lately arrived.

In the first room, one Matt Hancock who does think himself an Minister of State. He believes he has control of some Witchery which can keep the Pestilence at bay. He repeatedly shrieks "Data not Dates" which no person can make sense of. It is obvious the fellow has lost his wits.

In the next room, one Dominic Cummings. He does lie in his own filth and will try to throw his excreta upon any who attempt to come near. He has many scraps of manuscript and has daubed much nonsense on the walls in shit. His Keepers tell that he blames his current downfall to Witch called Symonds. He utters profanities that would make a Covent Garden Whore to blush.

In the last, a vile creature named Cressida Dick. They do say that it is a woman that claims to be a Constable of the Peace. However, it is known that she is the heir to a corrupt clan that did feign protection of the populace of London, yet did lie and dissemble for their own benefit. She does claim that she is of the utmost purity whilst all around can smell the stench that does issue from her mouth.

I fear there is no cure for these Wretches.

Then home by boat, where I came upon my wyfe using her Godeminche in her Contrapunctum to my Delite. Did then feast upon a jug of Oysters.