Big business pens open letter to Johnson over 'Freedom Day' postponement

A group of super rich businessmen and women has written an open letter to Boris Johnson, expressing fury at yesterday's climbdown, in not granting England its long-awaited 'Freedom Day'.

One magnate said: 'Is this the bulldog spirit? Can we allow what is clearly the greatest country in the world to be held to ransom by some sneaky underhand nasty foreign bug?'

'And don't talk to me about suffering. I have personally lost millions of pounds worth of value from my companies, leaving me with only a few billion in the bank. How am I to make ends meet? I'm facing ruin here.'

While another complained. 'It might seem like our group is motivated purely by colossal greed for monstrously massive self gains. It could perhaps appear that we're quite happy to play Russian Roulette with the lives of our workforces.'

'Well, perish the thought. Nothing could be further from the truth. You can certainly trust me on that score too. What's more, I am thinking very seriously of implementing the minimum wage across all my business, as well as abolishing zero hours contracts too.'

Meanwhile the former 'Quiet Man' of politics, Iain Duncan Smith, is said to be enraged by the PM's capitulation in the face of the overwhelming medical advice and evidence. An insider said that IDS was "going to jolly well do something about it" assuming he can find anyone of importance, influence or clout prepared to listen to him.

Alan Bennett is new Israeli PM

After 15 elections in the last 6 months, Israel has a new coalition government and Benjamin Netanyahu can go directly to jail, without collecting £200.

According to a spokeswoman of no importance:

“Alan wasn’t really expecting to be elected Prime Minister of Israel. Not with his knees and Margaret’s… condition. Anyway I said to Irene, I said did you know that Edna’s grandson has got in to university. University! He’s a homosexual you know. Very modern. Irene’s other half Gerry – do you know Gerry? – he said he’d worked out a roadmap for peace including the implementation of a two-state solution. I told him to save it for bridge on Wednesday. Scone?”

Bennett will be Prime Minister until September 2023 at which point he will hand over to Patricia Routledge.

Couple die of starvation while deciding what to have for dinner

Two bodies have been discovered after a couple reportedly spent so long trying to decide what to have for dinner they died.

The pair were found slouched over their kitchen worktop with all the food cupboards lying open. They were found clutching a single carrot, three new potatoes, a tin of chickpeas and half a cabbage.

A neighbour confirmed hearing raised voices debating dinner options over and over.

It is believed that the couple meant to do a 'big food shop' earlier that week but, after becoming distracted by the pubs now being open, 'didn't get round to it'.

In an official police statement, DCI Watts said: 'It is a terrible, terrible tragedy - my officers found a jar of masala sauce at the back of the cupboard so they could have whipped up a vegetable curry easy as anything. What a waste - of life and ingredients.'