Entire England cricket XI convicted of obscene public acts

Following the shaming of Ollie Robinson for a series of tweets he wrote as a teenager, the entire England cricket squad has been arraigned and convicted at Marylebone Magistrates Court for obscene acts in public.

"Never in my life have I come across such shameful public exhibitions as the ones of which you are guilty," said stipendiary magistrate Wilbur Cocklecarrot, swallowing back some vomit in his throat.

"Your performances over the past year at Lords, Headingley, Trent Bridge and Old Trafford have been sickening for the general public to watch and you should all be utterly ashamed of yourselves."

Sentencing was adjourned until the end of the current test series against New Zealand, in which the England XI are expected to carry on outraging onlookers with a further string of disgraceful displays.

"I would advise the England XI to refrain from any further public exposure," continued Cocklecarrot, "and instead stay on the boundary making daisy chains. I would imagine that making 'daisy chains' is something they are naturally good at."

Bezos overtaken on rich list by roadside Strawberry Seller

Janet McGinty (57) has been catapulted to one of the world’s most wealthy, by selling her third punnet of strawberries in a week. While Jeff Bezos’ Amazon employs hundreds of thousands and turns a profit $10,000 a second, selling fruit out of a van is more effective and can done from sitting in a deckchair.

Many have questioned the validity of a business model which involves someone snoozing in a layby for ten hours. Janet explained: ‘First we pay someone to pick, package and transport the strawberries, so our overheads work out at about £5 a box. I then sell them on at 50p a punnet, making a profit of £27,7344,222 per strawberry’,

Economists refer to this as the ‘Strawberry Paradox’, where a seemingly loss-making venture generates insane levels of profitability – a little bit like James Corden’s career. Likewise, experts in food retail have long known that people are uneasy going to a supermarket, they would much rather buy food from an unlicensed individual in a darkened layby; particularly if the seller has an eyepatch and love/hate tattooed on their knuckles.

Janet spoke of her success: ‘I used to sell lucky heather but that barely covered the cost of my third home in Monaco. But selling fresh strawberries has been a gold mine. Thank goodness, this is something I can do all year round’.

Combined efforts of Repair Shop experts unable to restore one man's reputation

In a sensational TV first, the experts at BBC's Repair Shop have collectively admitted defeat and been unable to restore something brought into their workshop.

Viewers watched in disbelief as a blond, tousle-haired, rotund apelike man from London shambled into the barn, after leaning his rather heavy and chunky bicycle against the wall outside. The man explained he had brought a completely shattered reputation and asked if the experts could somehow repair it.

Workshop Supremo, Jay Blades, was sympathetic to the request and assured the man that he and the team would 'give the task their absolute collective best,' and 'do what they could'; but he cautioned, that in his opinion, as the reputation was so badly damaged, its owner 'should not hold out an awful lot of hope.'

He later told viewers. 'To be honest, this is a totally lost cause really, but we'll have a go anyway. Thing is, there are no original parts and over the years it's been destroyed by serial procrastination, and an utter disregard for the truth or decency. It's shagged in my opinion. But, who knows, maybe Will can somehow work a miracle.'

As cameras rolled every single craftsman and woman attempted the repair and restoration of the tattered reputation, but in the end none was able make progress, with one who wished to remain anonymous commenting: 'Even Barry Bucknell in his prime couldn't get a result here.'

The reputation's owner was seen returning a week later when it was left to Blades to break the bad news. He sat the man down in a sideroom and in a hushed voice explained: 'Sorry mate, we tried everything but this is just too far gone. There's nothing can be done with it. I'm afraid it's entirely f*@ked.'