Bear shitting in wood reveals rich don't pay tax

A leak that Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk have not been paying tax, has rocked the world of those easily surprised and who questioned if the Pope was Catholic. To the amazement of some, the filthy rich stay rich (and filthy) by not paying for anything and Dolly Parton sleeps on her back.

Said one bewildered individual: ‘This is a revelation. No one could have seen this coming, just like a Boris Johnson infidelity, the sun rising or Tottenham Hotspurs choking at the last minute. Next you’ll be telling me that the Kennedys are gun shy’.

Those who follow the ‘no shit sherlock’ school of economics, will understand that money, like Velcro, sticks to its own. Others, for whom this has been a bombshell, will really freak out when they hear that Fedoras never look good, cotton candy is not made from cotton and Matt Hancock has sh$t for brains.

Naturally, the FBI are worried about the legality of the leak, not the illegality of billionaires. An Officer explained: ‘We’re not surprised that global elites are committing crime, but neither should you be surprised that we work for them’.

Jeff Bezos hoping 'not to be left with a neighbour'

Amazon engineers have confirmed that the rocket Amazon founder Jeff Bezos is using to launch himself into space will be delivered back to Earth the next day - probably. 'We've confirmed that Jeff is a Prime member and is entitled to next day delivery,' said a company spokesman today.

It is intended that the spacecraft, which is launching from Cape Canaveral, will return to Cape Canaveral 'as long as the barcode on the outside is legible, the contents are undamaged, and all taxes applicable are paid,' added the spokesman. 'Only kidding about the tax part.'

In the event that Cape Canaveral isn't in, then the rocket will be delivered next door, which happens to be the Atlantic Ocean. 'If the ocean isn't in, we'll deliver there anyway and leave a card in the Cape,' added the spokesman.

Toilet voted 'Best place to hide from your children 2021'

For the second year in a row, 'The Toilet' has topped the list as the most popular location to conceal yourself from your children.

For many, it is 'the only room in the sodding house with a lock on the door', which makes it a 'no-brainer' when picking the perfect spot to secrete oneself from the most irritating individuals in one's life.

Nick, a father of two, is a regular toilet-hider: 'I spend at least five or six hours in there on the weekend. It's so much better than interacting with my family or doing housework. My wife thinks I have a particularly aggressive form of chronic diarrhoea, which coincidentally began shortly after the birth of our first child. I play loud, unpleasant toilet noises from my phone to ensure my cover isn't blown - the added bonus is that it also drowns out the sound of the kids banging on the door. I have crisps and beer hidden under the toilet rolls and watch BT sport with headphones on. I absolutely love it.

Runners up include 'the shed' (kids never look there), 'the utility room' (you can usually hide under a pile of dirty washing) and 'down the pub' (brilliant but gets expensive).