Pingageddon as NHS covid app forces entire UK population to self-isolate

he UK has informed the world that it's now closed, and Downing Street has hung up a handwritten 'Closed - Back in Five Weeks' sign in the shop window. Everything is shut, including the nations favourite workplaces such as hospitals, Sports Direct warehouses and nail bars as workers stay at home.

The government's self-destructive libertarian tendencies in opening everything up to keep its backbenchers happy means it has completely cocked it all up again, and it's not business as usual.

A government spokesperson was quick to defend its policies.

'Anyone can say we haven't learned our lessons, that we were originally slow to lockdown and now we've been too hasty in coming out of lockdown. Now they are moaning about the NHS app. However, we need to remember that the app is an important tool in our fight against Covid and not a complete tool like the health secretary'.

'Our trusted and valued colleagues in the private sector companies we all have shares in have closely scrutinized the blame list. It would appear that the Italian fans we allowed to come to the UK to watch a grossly unfair game of football have been up to no good in the virus spreading department'.

'Please rest assured that this government will take imminent action should it need to take imminent action imminently. For example, if all the food runs out apart from a carton of pot noodle in Burnley, we do have a vital 'Eat Anything to Stay Alive' contract with our friends in North Korea'.

Man 'stable' after draining cooked pasta water down the sink

A Retford man is expected to make a full recovery, after accidentally draining his starchy cooked pasta water straight down the sink, instead of retaining it to mix in with his pasta sauce, it has been confirmed.

The incident occurred whilst Pete McBride, 45, was doing some 'theatre cooking', rustling up a cheeky penne with arrabiatta sauce, for himself, his wife and 2 daughters, whilst they sat at the kitchen table.

'I don't know how it happened', confessed an upset McBride, after enduring a tense meal, punctuated only by quiet sobs from his 10 year old daughter and complaints that the sauce was 'scarily bland' and just hadn't bound together at all.

'It is advice in every pasta recipe in every book. In fact I could hear Ainsley Harriet's chirpy tones stressing that 'YOU MUST KEEP THE WATER, YOU MUST KEEP THE STARCHY WATER, YOU CAN ADD IT TO YOUR SAUCE' as I drained it down the sink through a colander'.

'It seemed to happen in slow motion', continued McBride. 'I could see my wife's mouth drop in horror. I panicked and quickly tried to add a bit of cornflour into the pasta sauce, and a few capers, but the sauce started congealing and lumping up before my eyes.'

McBride has agreed to undertake a process of rehabilitation, including basic refresher training in how to place an empty pan under the colander to collect water, as well as watching repeats of every episode of Saturday Kitchen ever.

GB News has 'minus zero viewing figures’ as presenters reduced to watching audience

GB News audience stats have plummeted into negative figures as their presenters resort to watching viewers in order to maintain contact. On Saturday, the viewing figures dipped below -14 as broadcasters from the station desperately zoom called viewers to beg them to tune in.

Former newscaster Alastair Stewart said he watched the Smythe family explain why they weren’t going to tune in to the new station. ‘He didn’t realise that viewing the Smythe family would count against us in the stats and he's deeply sorry,’ said a GB News source.

And finally, one potentially audience winning feature has been postponed while Andrew Neil has a ‘well-earned break’ from throwing tantrums about the channel’s failures. GB News’s ‘Meatiest face in Britain’ final between Neil (T Bone Angus) and Jeremy Clarkson (chump chop) will take place in the Autumn.