‘No, not that kind of racism’ say Tories

Following Euro 2020, leading Conservatives like Boris Johnson and Priti Patel have remembered to quickly condemn the kind of racists who have been a bit too obvious about it, for being too obvious about it.

A Tory grandee interrupted his supper to bloviate: ‘You can't just say you don't like black people. That's racist and wrong. Instead, you heavily imply you don’t like black people by saying that taking the knee is gesture politics or Marcus Rashford should stick to football. Or you can condone it by implication, like refusing to criticise booing racists or needlessly cutting the foreign aid budget. That's populist and right and makes sure it’s a vote winner with our core demographic, white English xenophobes.’

‘You’ve got to keep your racism classy’ he continued, before belching deeply.

‘Populism equals racism plus time – that’s the Boris formula. That and wallpapering over his infidelities.’

'Who could have predicted trouble from this drunken, angry mob?' says Met Police

“We were shocked by the scenes of mayhem in central London and outside Wembley on Sunday evening,” a spokesman for the Metropolitan Police told reporters.

“How were we to know that large groups of football fans, who had been drinking solidly since early morning, might turn rowdy after England lost and take out their rage on opposition supporters? We are not clairvoyants.

“And how were we to know that mobs of chavs without match tickets might decide to swarm past security into Wembley stadium?

"I stress that the Met’s policy is to send large numbers of officers only to locations where we predict there will be disorder. And our officers told us that they didn’t expect any disorder in London on match day - on the grounds that they all wanted to sit and watch the game at home rather than to battle hundreds of drunken, angry thugs on a rainy Sunday evening.

“The Met finds it far easier in these dreadful cases to wait until all the trouble has died down and afterwards to issue pious lectures to the general public.

“However, all of us in the police have to accept that we, like Mr Southgate and his squad, have found our limits. From now on, we will give up any attempt to keep order at mass events or to stop central London from descending into anarchy. Instead, we will concentrate on the kind of thing we did so well during the lockdowns, such as arresting grieving women attending a vigil on Clapham Common.”

Virgin Galactic Flight Delay Leads To Expensive KitKat Purchase

Viewing the departure board at his space rocket station Richard Branson’s heart sank as he saw it was delayed. A man stood next to him, said: 'This is typical mate, better make yourself comfortable, and even when it does turn up don’t expect to get a seat, and the buffet will probably be shut for your leg of the journey too'.

Branson sat on the cold metal bench and stared listlessly at the board. He looked around for a reliable source of information about the cause of the delay but there were just some pigeons. His stomach rumbled. He overheard a man on the next bench phoning a friend to say he’d be late because Virgin can’t get from Reading to Coventry on time.

The friend replied that Virgin Trains stopped operating in 2019, but there were lots of passengers still standing at stations who hadn’t realised yet and thought it was just the standard delays.

Branson went to the vending machine and spent £1 on a chunky KitKat, leading him to reflect he could have had a pack of four from B&M for that price but since he made £306 million from his trains he wasn’t bothered by his costly chocolate purchase.