Football calls ahead and asks you to pop the kettle on

Since last coming home in the 1966, football has travelled extensively, including extended spells in South America visiting Brazil and Argentina. It almost came home in 1990 and again in 1996, but both times made late decisions to go to Germany instead, where it spends so much time it has actually bought a second house.

While a cup of tea and a biscuit would be lovely if football does come home, don't go so far as to plan dinner around it, as there is a chance it will decide to pop over to Italy for a few years instead.

ITV commentator in training for full meltdown tonight

'On Wednesday, I pretty much aced the last minute of the England-Denmark match for TV viewers with a hysterical and possibly psycho-sexual gush of verbal diarrhoea, which went “Call your boss, you ain’t coming in in the morning. You deserve this. England deserve this. Feel it, ride it.”

'But that was just a semi-final. Now I must up the ante for the final so that I can really stick it to our Scottish, Welsh and Irish viewers with a truly monumental tirade of English jingoism. I have been reading Shakespearean soliloquies and the poetry of Rudyard Kipling for inspiration and I have decided that in the event of victory my immortal words will be: "England have won! Very much so! Albion Gloriana!"

'After that, the synapses in my brain will fuse together and I will run off at the mouth uncontrollably, urging the world's population to kiss Gareth Southgate's ring.'

Doing wheelies in traffic 'unavoidable' says teenager

Tests also showed that as the teenagers get older the less frequently the fault happens. 'We believe this to be down to accumulation of life experience - an unfulfilling job or broken dream weighs upon the rider, pinning the bike down, and somehow bypassing the fault,' said a spokesman. 'However, adult men with their tops off are also vulnerable. For reasons that are not yet clear, the presence of teenage girls in the vicinity increases the chances of the fault occurring by a whopping 50%.'