Drug lord motivates gang to win turf war using slick PowerPoint presentation

London drug overlord Joey ‘The Razor’ Fraser has attributed his gang’s victory in an acrimonious turf war in the city’s east end to the highly polished PowerPoint presentation he delivered to his team of violent criminals. Fraser used a variety of methods in his hour-long presentation to illustrate the benefits of mercilessly crushing a rival gang that had been attempting to move in on their territory.

‘I thought I’d tried something different this time and the boys seem to respond really well to it’ says Fraser. ‘Its easy to come over all Ray Winstone and tell them to get out there and break the other lot’s f**king legs. But by being able to illustrate our immediate and medium-term objectives through the use of pie-charts, bar charts and Venn diagrams it really helped the guys take cognisance of our end goals’.

‘Once I’d managed to cascade the relevant information vis-a-vis the violent termination of our rival organisation we had a chance to have a proper look under the bonnet of our drug delivery service. The guys were then able to put our strategic approach into practice on the street and wipe out those muppets that were encroaching on my manor’.

Feedback to Fraser’s presentation was largely positive with gang members giving an overall rating of 9 out of 10 in the questionnaire they were asked to fill out afterwards.

‘I was bit sceptical at first’ admits gang member Kevin ‘Bananas’ Mitchell. ‘But once the boss had shown us his cost-benefit analysis of kneecapping and cutting off some nonce’s hand with a machete I was won over. His use of animation was also very effective, and he really let the slides speak for themselves. I’d have given it 10 out of 10 but I felt the section on removing your enemy’s teeth with a pair of pliers went on a bit. Apart from that it was the bollocks’.

Having cemented his position Fraser is planning a staff away-day in a country hotel as a reward for his gang’s loyalty.

‘It’ll do the guys good to get away from the everyday work environment and touch base offline for a day or two. After all the drugs game can’t just be about maintaining supremacy using threats and violence' says Fraser.

'Sometimes you just have to get away, let the boys have a bit of fun and stir-fry some ideas in the strategy wok’.

Planet not on fire say fossil fuel fans

Renegade maverick free thinkers, who half-read something on Facebook written by Shell and BP, have come together to jauntily deny that climate change is happening, even as the floodwaters hurtle past their homes.

One climate change sceptic shouted, ‘I’m not on fire! You’re on fire - wait -I mean no-one is on fire’, as the flames consumed them as well as large parts of California, Turkey, Greece, Siberia, Algeria, the Amazon and elsewhere.

In Australia, climate change deniers are still politically influential, despite the country being a massive desert and almost always actively aflame.

‘I don’t like it when Greta Thunberg says the world is heading towards a climate apocalypse. But when David Attenborough uses exactly the same words to mean exactly the same thing, I immediately became a climate warrior.’ said one sexist.

Thunberg’s Twitter roasts of world leaders are now considered so fierce that they themselves have been contributing to the rising temperatures.

A Kremlin spokeswoman said ‘Thunberg murdered Putin with words, and he had a good cry on his golden toilet after he saw it. Then he took his shirt off and rode a horse to feel better.’

One climate scientist said, ‘Thank goodness, ole Trumpy Trump isn’t in office. She was shooting orange fish in a racist barrel there.’ He paused to collect some bottles of whisky, bags of cocaine and two busty strippers from under his lab bench, saying, ‘It’s the end of the world mate, might as well enjoy it.’

Parents relieved: grades of privately educated cherubs CAN be bought after all

A 97% inflation in private school grades has put the minds of rich parents at ease. After years of dismay that their dim spawn might have to suffer equivalent grades to those achieved in the state school system, the private education sector has finally pulled its finger out when it comes to enhancing grades on an industrial scale.

One parent who preferred not to be named snorted, "I was profoundly concerned that having spent tens of thousands on De Pfeffel Jr.'s education, he might not acquire the grades I had paid for. But I am satisfied that this newly invigorated Department of Education has finally come to its senses. In the real world, when I bribe people, I get what I want. De Pfeffel Jr. must learn that he doesn't have to work for anything and can buy his way in or out of whatever he chooses. Like that marvellous chap, Prince Andrew.

A response from the Department of Education stated, "We want to make it perfectly clear that this is in no way unfair. When a pupil cheats on a test in order to receive a higher grade, then that is cheating, and they will be severely punished. When entire private schools of great repute cheat all of their grades, then that is merely ensuring that wealthy parents are getting value for money. Their investments have to pay out, or there might be a perception that private education is unable to offer significant benefits over the state school system. And no one wants to see that."