Russia wants its money back from British embassy traitor

Following the arrest of an employee in Britain's Berlin embassy who was allegedly passing intelligence to Russia, the Kremlin has asked for a full refund.

"We paid David S a fortune to feed us high-level intelligence from the British government," said a Russian government spokesman. "However, he gave us nothing that you could possibly call intelligence."

"All we got from his bug inside Downing Street was a constant stream of plummy-voiced burbling, which our agents can make no sense of whatsoever, and night-time quarrels – apparently over the new wallpaper and a badly-behaved mongrel called Dylan."

"That's how the Russians got stung," said a senior MI6 officer. "There's no point trying to spy out British state intelligence. There isn't any left."

World rejoices as Henley women finally allowed to wear trousers

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Shire Police called as Hobbit and Orc violence erupts at Green Dragon pub

Officers from Hobbiton Constabulary were called to a violent disturbance at the Green Dragon Pub in The Shire, Middle Earth after a brawl broke out between a gang of orcs and hobbits watching the semi-final in the Mystical World Cup being held in Mordor.

Sam Gamgee, a gardener from The Hill area, told reporters, 'I was just sitting there with my master, like watching the game, when all of a sudden this orc matey jumps up on a table, all body amour, bloodstains and gore, points at us hobbits and starts singing 'you're all shit with hairy feet, doo-dah doo-dah. You're all shit with hairy feet, doo-dah doo-dah day.'

'Well, that was it, and it all kicked off big style with chairs, bottles and glasses flying everywhere - total carnage and very scary. But luckily, this old chap, Mr Gandalf, had just arrived in the village. Next thing he shakes his staff and the bar's enveloped by coloured lights and the sound of rushing wind, then everything sort of calms down again.' 'Mind, I still feels dazed and confused after that and don't even know who won the game.'

Meanwhile, it's understood Gamgee's master, local celebrity, Frodo Baggins, is wanted for questioning. Det Sgt Ted Sandyman told reporters. 'I can confirm Baggins is a person of interest in this matter, but his whereabouts are currently unknown after he somehow managed to disappear into thin air during the fracas.'