Terry Pratchett 'never liked fantasy' says journalist who never read his books

Despite his words, actions, testimony of friends and family, many now believe that the author of 41 Discworld novels, had nothing to do with the SciFi/Fantasy genre. Said one journalist: 'I've researched him thoroughly and can confirm he never wrote The Lord of the Rings.

'I'll go further. I don't believe there is any evidence that he knew how to write or that his name was Pratchett. And if I'm wrong why doesn't he say so. And don't use the excuse that he's been dead since 2015. That means nothing'.

An alarming number of journalists and commentators have been co-opting dead people to support their spurious arguments. Said one: 'Oscar Wilde was anti-LGBTQ+. How do I know? Ouija board'.

Meanwhile Pratchett most famous work 'The Colour of Magic' was dismissed as containing no reference to fantasy whatsoever. Remarked one smug journalist: 'It's not as if it has magic in the title.'

'Desperate' World Health Boffins Seek Guidance From Facebook Headbanger

The beleaguered World Health Organisation have sought advice on battling the covid-19 health emergency from an opinionated, know-nothing ponce with a Facebook page who regularly regales his meagre readership with unsubstantiated tripe about vaccine efficacy, anti-lockdown initiatives and the role of Bill Gates in turning vaccinated people into magnetised automatons with the ability to send and receive Bluetooth.

A WHO spokesman told newsmen last night: "We are extremely concerned by the various strains of coronavirus that seem to be mutating into ever-more virulent manifestations.

"With our scientists at a loss and our medical experts at their lowest ebb, we have decided to ask for help from a feeble-minded, conspiracy fucknut from Facebook.

"Hopefully, he'll be able to put us straight on the futility of deploying a vaccine programme worldwide and steer us onto a more clear-headed path that involves Tom Hanks, Covid-19 5G lamppost-based transmitters, and urging people to attend mass bleach-drinking rallies across the globe."

This latest volte-face comes just a week after Health Secretary, Sajid Javid, issued a directive, urging Brits to push homoeopathic capsules containing grass cuttings up each other's bottoms if they start losing their sense of taste and smell as previously suggested by somebody's Aunty Beryl on Twitter.

Danny Soz

Tories Launch Their Latest Sizzling Summer of Sleaze

To mark the start of August's ‘silly season’, the Conservative Party has unveiled its annual Super Summer Sleaze Spectacular to entertain the news-starved public.

“They’re a bit like Christmas pantomimes,” said party chairman and fundraising mogul Ben Elliot, “except they’re not that funny and they never have a happy ending.

“As usual, the anti-hero is Prince Charmless. Quintessentially, he is a sneering, money-minded toff who thinks that the common rules of behaviour shouldn’t apply to chaps like him. I’m playing that part after a superb run by Lord Michael Ashcroft.

“Then there’s the comedy villain Thurrilibad – a super-rich Middle Eastern businessman with a history of dubious financial deals and an iffy dress sense. This character is always under the hilarious delusion that meeting Prince Charles or having a question asked in parliament will somehow double his fortune. Mohamed Amersi is making his debut in this role after a magnificent series of performances by Mohamed al Fayed.”

In keeping with an age-old tradition, this year’s Summer Sleaze plot revolves around the Conservative Party raising millions of pounds for its coffers by connecting squillionaires with government ministers at its secret masked balls and no one getting prosecuted for it afterwards.

“Look out for the show’s sad sack, Boris Hardup of Chequers Hall,” continued Elliot. “He’s the one who comes on and says: ‘Where’s my cut? Hang it all, I’m the one who’s going to be getting the blame for all this! Why didn’t I get any squillions?’

“The Tory Summer of Sleaze is a sop we like to throw to the taxpaying plebs,” sneered Elliot. “It gives them the chance to boo and hiss the ruling party to their hearts’ delight and then forget all about it until the next scandal erupts, which will be some time before Christmas.”