Man distraught after discovering ‘wedding breakfast’ isn’t a posh fry-up

Paul Smith from Eastleigh is now entering the fifth day of a sulk, after discovering too late that a wedding breakfast isn’t the ‘fry up in a tux’ he had been both imagining and looking forward to since receiving his invitation eight months prior.

The 23 year-old shop assistant had never been invited to a wedding before, so was both surprised and delighted to discover that his friends would be celebrating their matrimony with a cooked breakfast followed by a champagne reception.

‘I genuinely thought they were recreating our ‘Spoons breakfast with a pint’ student days, but in a more upmarket fashion.’ says Paul. ‘You can imagine my surprise then, when someone put a plate of potato fondant and some piped pink prawn rubbish sprinkled with grass in front of me. I was so cross. I had even turned down paying the extra tenner at the Premier Inn for breakfast that morning so I could save myself for the wedding breakfast. What a crock of shite.’

Despite being ‘the worst day of [his] life’ the occasion took an unexpected positive turn for the 23 year-old. ‘On the plus side, during the speeches, one of the bridesmaids mistook my tears of bitterness and loathing for me being in touch with my emotional side and found it super attractive, so we went back to my hotel.’ said Paul. ‘Let’s just say, at least there was one of us who wasn’t disappointed by a lack of sausage.’

DUP: 'Away an catch yerselves on! We're not irrelevant crackpots, so we're not!'

A couple of years is a long time in politics, and none feel it more keenly than members of the DUP's parliamentary party.

Ever since the group of reactionary oddballs, keen to return to their happy place - the 14th century - was shat on from a great height by Boris Johnson, when Tories no longer needed to endure the shame of having them prop up the Westminster government, the Northern Ireland group has had to come to the bitter acceptance, that once again, they are a total irrelevance in British politics.

However, DUP spokesman and Witchfinder General, Nelson Nelson, was today refusing to accept what everyone else sees as cold hard facts.

'Away an catch yerselves on! Sure, we're as relevant today as we've ever been. And as a matter of fact we intend to bring forward a private members' bill to call for the reinstatement of the rack, thumbscrews and the breaking wheel for heretics, Catholics and those found guilty of homosexuality, witchcraft, or worst of all, being one of thon other crowd.

'We certainly will continue to make our voices heard, so we will. No doubt about that. Oh aye, mark my words. Tiocfaidh ár lá... no... hang on a minute... erm... ah ballix to it!'

Raab really phoning it in as Foreign Secretary

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