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Artificial Intelligence used to complete teenager's art GCSE


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Following the successful completion of a previously lost section to Rembrandt's 'Night Watch', where the computer has added images of a man standing, a boy running and a drunken painter mooning, the technology has been deployed to help GCSE students in Art get a decent grade.

'The economy is highly dependent on young adults being able to crayon effectively, particularly between the lines, and this software will help them do just that,' said an AI expert today. Brandon Hedges, 16, is notably enthusiastic when actually awake. 'I couldn't get a decent grade in art thanks to lockdown,' he insisted, although his art teacher Mr Marples disagrees. 'Hedges is a lazy bastard who can't hold a crayon the right way up, but at least the software saves me from predicting a bare pass for the useless prat,' he said between supping pints of stout in the staff room. 'I'm not allowed to predict a fail, apparently. It has to be a grade. Fail is definitely a grade,' he added.

Brandon's final submission titled 'a line I drew' was originally a line in red crayon delivered diagonally across a sheet of lined A4 paper. The modified AI version shows an intricate scene where Brandon is running and his art teacher is mooning through a window. The AI creator admitted that the software does have a limited imagination. 'Just like all sixteen year old art students,' he said.







Jacob Rees-Mogg to spend 12th Xmas in succession trying to get lid off chutney jar

Updated: Jan 3, 2022


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Leader of The House of Commons, Jacob Rees-Mogg, is set to spend his 12th successive Christmas struggling to get the lid off a jar of chilli and onion chutney that his wife bought in 2007 to go with the cold meat and mashed potatoes on Boxing Day.


A Westminster source has revealed that Rees-Mogg has tried everything to remove the lid, including; tapping the edge with a knife, wrenching it off using Mole Grips, wedging it in a door jamb, and using a Stilsens pipe wrench to twist the cap free.


"Jacob has very weak wrists', the source reveals. "He always struggled to get the lids off of his bottles of pop at Eton and used to ask one of the smaller boys to do it for him.


"He's a persistent chap though and once spent an entire day trying to flush the lavatory in The Commons after they'd had new press down handle cisterns installed.


"Eventually, he gave up and asked the then Shadow Home Secretary, Dianne Abbot, to do it for him.


"However, she had little luck herself, and after repeated flushings, still failed to dislodge a stubborn 'submarine' that he'd left submerged on the bottom"


Rees-Mogg angrily denied the rumours last night, pointing to the fact that he regularly pumps up the tyres on his penny-farthing bicycle and once 'made the Queens eyes water' with the firmness of his grip as he took her hand before kissing it during his controversial request to prorogue Parliament in August last year.


However, Rees-Mogg's wife, Helena, confirmed the chutney story last night when she told newsmen: "I'm afraid I can't deny the fact that Jacob's been struggling with that jar.


"It's become a bit of a family joke down the years, to be honest with you.


"For you see, nobody's got the heart to tell him he's been turning it the wrong way"







Scientists disagree on the brain compartments that control dishwasher stacking


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A husband-and-wife team at the University of Birmingham have studied the different ways males and females stack the dishwasher and have reached decidedly different verdicts over which areas of the brain control this function.



Professors Neil and Angela Golding tested over a hundred couples as they attempted to rack dozens of plates and dishes, plus glassware and cutlery, in a variety of dishwasher models.



“It was extraordinarily difficult logistically.” said Angela. “We have limited lab space and trying to squeeze all these couples in, and the machines, and wire up the electrodes was extremely challenging.” “Took so much longer than it should have.” observed Neil. “If only she’d listened to me in the first place.”



Because of their different conclusions, the Goldings agree their research is unlikely to improve domestic harmony any time soon. In fact, tempers flared on more than one occasion during testing and the only thing everyone agreed on was dishwasher stacking becomes a whole lot easier the more crockery that’s smashed in the ensuing arguments.








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