Man buys fishing waders instead of milk from Aldi

When he entered his local Aldi, Dave Wells from Hatfield had every intention of fulfilling the basic instruction from wife Cheryl to purchase milk. However, the overwhelming allure of the ‘middle aisle’ proved too much and he ended up buying fishing waders instead.

'I walked in repeating to myself milk, milk, milk – but then I looked up and it was just, f**k me, are those fishing waders? I'd heard about the middle aisle of Aldi but it's nothing to being actually confronted by it - completely mind-blowing. Where else can you buy a snail-shaped door mat and a Viking helmet-shaped coffee mug?'

'I ended up settling on the fishing waders, but it was a tough call between those, the 6-step aluminium ladder with built-in radio and a polyester Nehru-style jacket.'

Dave continued, 'I got home totally buzzing, then I saw Cheryl just standing there in the kitchen with her arms crossed – then I remembered I’d forgotten the milk. She nearly sent me back to Aldi in the waders, which I would have been totally up for, to be honest.'

Cheryl said: 'Obviously, I couldn’t trust him, so I went myself. I returned with a Disney Princess Yoga mat. Bollocks!'

Image: Pinacol/Pixabay

​Tesco to launch three for the price of two refuse collections	eBook and print versions on sale now	Tories annual piss-up in brewery cancelled after Boris forgot to send out the invitations

Christmas Films: Sunset Boulevard

British Hedgehog Preservation Society declares victory over hedgehog change

The British Hedgehog Preservation* Society was set up in 1982 with one single, focused objective: to keep hedgehogs exactly the same. Today, the Society declared victory in this aim, pointing out that hedgehogs are still here and, incredibly, entirely unchanged from their original hedgehog state, almost forty years later.

"I think we can safely say," the Society said in a press release today, "that hedgehogs have been well and truly 'preserved'."

Detractors claim that this would probably have happened anyway. To this, the Society presents three objections:

1. Cattle grids. According to the Society, hedgehogs have always been magnetically attracted to cattle grids, often falling in, due to their manic desire to cross them and show off to prospective mates. Without the assistance of small the ramps and motorbikes provided by the Society, it is claimed that the entire hedgehog population would have ended up stuffed under cattle grids in a matter of years.

2. Comedy. In the early eighties, hedgehogs were routinely ridiculed on television, with one popular satirical program suggesting they be put in sandwiches. The Hedgehog Preservation Society fought against putting hedgehogs in sandwiches and, thanks to their efforts, very few people did this.

3. Addiction to social media. There have been no recorded incidents of hedgehog addiction to social media.

Given their victory and, after forty long years of battle, the Hedgehog Preservation Society has announced it is to close.

"It's been fun, and a challenge." said a spokesperson. "From now on, however, the spiky little bastards can take their chances on their own."

(*not to be confused with the British Hedgehog Preservative Society, which is something very different and widely banned, except in parts of Doncaster)

Image: Alexas_Fotos/Pixabay

Sir David Attenborough tests positive for second job	Only from Amazon	Government urge wild parties to be carried out cautiously