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Government urge wild parties to be carried out cautiously

'It's a fine balance, deciding between snogging strangers or people you work with,' admitted a government spokesman today. He also suggested that entering a busy, crowded pub has to be considered carefully before deciding 'sod it' and ditching the face mask and ordering shots for everyone twice.

'Try not to think about what you would do at home - that should be a relatively safe place as you're already living and sleeping with the people you meet,' he explained. 'Better to ask yourself, "what would I do at work?" before cracking open another bottle of wine and slinging it down your neck before fondling the woman from accounts and waving your willy in the air. It's what we do in Downing Street, anyway,' he explained.

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