Yes, it’s that time of year again. Sod all in the news, and the only thing you could find for your significant other was a windscreen wiper for a Nissan Micra in the Halfords pre-Xmas sale.
If you can tear yourself away from a simmering row with Great Aunt Pumice over the desperate state of the sprouts, want to stop laughing at Boris’s address to the nation for five minutes and avoid you know who’s bloody speech, then check in with us at Newsbiscuit central. Our world-beating editors are still hard at work in the main bar of The Nelson’s arms, taking lager flow tests on the hour every hour in case anything newsworthy happens anywhere, at all, whatsoever.
Today, for one day only, we are pleased to announce the Newsbiscuit TITUS HEADLINE XMAS SPECIAL. Titus is a legendary Newsbiscuit contributor, who valiantly floods our Writer’s Room with hundreds if not thousands of contributions on a daily basis, many of which remain unpublished, also on a daily basis.
Whether this is because of the Newsbiscuit VAR machine, good taste or for completely biased editorial reasons, scientists can’t say for sure due to Russian hackers refusing to share their data.
ENJOY
Ye Merry Newsbiscuit Editorial Team
Updated: Dec 26, 2021
When Pamela Dalton and her family moved into their three-bed semi in Redditch, the last thing they expected to find was a treasure trove of missing items at the back of their garden, but experts have now confirmed the horde is, in fact, part of the mythical Last Place On Earth.
Prof. Justin Roache, Head of Oceanography at Swindon University, told us, “This is undoubtedly the last place you’d expect to find someone of my qualifications, but I’ve been looking for some notes I’d mislaid and found them here. Proof if proof were needed.”
The police have been regular visitors to the garden, having recaptured several most-wanted who thought no-one would think of looking for them there. Det. Supt. Peter Banks explained, “As soon as this place was identified, we were all over it. Not just criminals hiding out in the shrubs, but stolen goods over by the fence. I think I even spotted the Met’s reputation on a compost pile, albeit somewhat tarnished.”
For the Dalton family, these are turbulent times, and interest in the garden is undoubtedly proving intrusive, although Pamela thinks the fuss will soon die down. “Because people are now looking here before anywhere else, it’s no longer the Last Place, and so the area is shrinking. Which is a shame because we’d got used to not having to look far for anything we’d lost.”
At that moment, she took a call from a Government official who just wondered if anyone had spotted the Prime Minister’s credibility. Pamela politely explained it was never likely to be in the Last Place in the first place. “You can’t lose what you never had.”
As his cabinet colleagues got drunk, Chancellor Rishi Sunak took a few photos on his phone, politely sipped his water and whispered to himself ‘Soon’.
