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Panic buying returns up north as high streets run out of Frankincense and Myrhh

There were chaotic scenes yesterday as dim-witted northern shoppers rushed to stockpile exotic substances for no apparent reason. Six elderly people were trampled to death and emergency services have been reportedly overwhelmed

‘Buggered if I know what Frankincense or bloody Mryhh is,’ said Beryl Hargreaves, an organic toenail painter from Pontefract. ‘Any road, Diedre at number nineteen said I’d best get some in, ‘cos you never know. So I traipsed down to the butcher, the baker and the candlestick maker, and the beggars had all sold out.

‘Lidl did have some own brand Frankincense come in, but the shelves were stripped bare in a thirty second stampede. The world’s gone completely mad.’

A spokesperson for the British Retail Consortium blamed the shortages on the supply chain crisis. ‘We have over thirty container ships stuck in the Sea of Galilee at the moment fully loaded with tons of pointless crap. Our thoughts and prayers at this sad time are with the idiots and the families of idiots who decided to go out and buy stuff they don’t really need.

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