- Granger
- 2 hours ago
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With only 305 shopping days left until Christmas, anxious shoppers have reported seeing a shortage of stollen and chocolate coins on supermarket shelves. The main supermarkets admit they are experiencing supply chain issues with fur tree growers and advent calendar manufacturers. Panicking shoppers have begun camping overnight outside stores, and police have made a number of arrests for violent disorder.
A shopper in Ipswich said: ‘Everything was fine until someone told me not to panic. As soon as I heard there were no mince pies at Asda, I went on eBay and got one for fifty quid.’
It is believed the panic was made worse when 'Stop the Cavalry' was accidentally broadcast on a Tannoy system.
NewsBiscuit Editorial insists that fur trees do exist, tortoiseshell being the most common variety.
All-night garages are implementing "Project Headless Chicken" to be ready for the traditional Valentine's Day Eve panic shopping bonanza.
"It's one of the 'golden days' - or should I say 'golden nights'", enthused Ron Jenkins of Clacton. "It's up there with Christmas eve. Men arrive with panic in their eyes and leave with tears - after they've seen the price of 1 rose and truly tasteless card."
Although things seem rosy, the rise of same day delivery by supermarkets did cause some concern in the industry.
"When the local Tesco's started home delivery, I had a nightmare vision of champagne and spring flowers being delivered at 9 in the morning.", said Mr Jenkins, "However, when the reality of substituted dog shampoo and spring onions turned up at 3am, I realised I had little to worry about."
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