Putin wins Masked Singer with Anarchy in the Ukraine

Vladimir Putin is the latest Masked Singer champion. He had been disguised as a Bear, with an AK47 slung over his shoulder and a red headband with 'CCCP' in yellow. Before his unmasking, the panel had been split between one of the unfamous ones from Westlife, Alexei Navalny and Nick Knowles.

As panel members began to die of novichok poisoning, a spokesman for Putin said 'All the clues were there. Having 'chicken tonight' was a reference to having Kiev tonight. 'Criticism is criminal'? Just a little joke - shout out to Navalny, so unlucky with all that jail time. 'Tanks for the memories' and 'Let me invade your hearts' were references to... well you can probably work those out. Even the song choices, 'Crimea river', 'It's all about that Don-bass', 'All you need is Lviv'? Come on, relax, at least it wasn't Nick Knowles.'

image from pixabay

Charles pays Queen undisclosed sum to die within next six months

.

Westminster to keep Scotland as a ‘f**k-buddy’

In the event of a ‘yes’ vote for Scottish Independence, politicians south of the border would like to retain specific conjugal rites without any of those awkward commitment issues. In particular, Westminster would appreciate it if Scotland would not change any of the locks and keep wearing those pretty tartan skirts.

‘Breaks-ups don’t have to be messy,’ said a Ministry of Defense spokeswoman. ‘We propose to turn the Faslane Trident base into no-strings-attached weapons dump. And to allow us a bit of ‘slap n’ tickle’ with Andy Murray, whenever the mood takes us’.

IMAGE: https://pixabay.com/users/blende12-201217/