Beatles forced to reform

Despite being 50% deceased, the popular beat-combo is set for a surprising comeback. It turns out that other than the depth of Katy Perry’s cleavage, nobody likes modern music.

Sadly, all tunes since 1970 sound like a goldfish tank being hit with a polo mallet, an angle grinder or a dubstep version of nails on a blackboard. Music executives were particularly disheartened, early this year, when a baby crying in response to an electric drill mistakenly won a Grammy.

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Still no sign of ‘missing’ luggage

Tension continues to mount for Mr & Mrs Nichols; who despite being in the second week of a package tour of the Algarve are still without their wheeled-travel bags. A spokesperson said: ‘We are quite frankly disappointed by the lack of concern expressed by the international community’.

While Mrs Nichols has attempted to put a brave face on the holiday disaster, Malcolm is struggling to cope without his special fungal cream. Cheap polyester sheets coupled with the hot Portuguese climate, could result in Mr. Nichols reaching a crisis point of surreptitious scratching, flaking and eventual ‘oozing’.

Mr. Nichols has also reported the loss of a packet of fruit gums but he admitted that they could have fallen out his pocket on the way to the airport.

https://pixabay.com/photos/luggage-suitcases-baggage-bags-933487

Clock change causes UK economic boom

Changing the clocks has caused the UK to transform into a booming economic juggernaut, with absolutely everyone in the country richer, fitter and happier.

Tory strategist Clementine Carruthers said 'Under the tyrannical jackboot of EU oppression we were never able to arbitrarily change what time it is by an hour, to help farmers maybe? Jacob Rees-Mogg did want to simply declare it was the 1880s, but instead we will now measure time locally by sundial when it's sunny and by pigeon entrails when it isn't. We can now say that all trains are running punctually, as no-one knows for sure that they aren't. And the Sue Gray report will never see daylight.'

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst's phone buzzed. He said 'The PM just WhatsApp-ed me to say the only two times that he's interested in are 1) when his next tennis match with a Russian oligarch is and 2) party time.'

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