GCHQ is a front for ticket touts

Using a loophole in the Terrorism Act, the secret service has been sneakily jumping the queue for the front row seats to the Book of Mormon. Using powerful cyber-weapons, they have even monopolized backstage passes for the B*Witched reunion. Confessed one spy: ‘Ignoring civil rights is so much cheaper than paying full price for Hamilton tickets’

Ironically, the story of FA Cup tickets being touted was originally leaked to The Guardian, but sadly no one at The Guardian reads the sports page.

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UK to import executions from Saudi Arabia

A trade spokesperson confirmed: 'Our own domestic torture supply is relatively small, compared with our own high demand for low cost beheadings. We need to stop our dependence on Russian human rights abuses and, instead, source an unlimited supply of evil. The Saudi Royals said they can send us a truckload of severed heads, faster than you can dismember a journalist. While they also guaranteed that any deal would be at a cut price.'

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Johnson only visited Kyiv to scope out local tax laws

Boris Johnson recently visited Ukraine to determine its suitability as somewhere for Tory cabinet ministers and their spouses to be domiciled but obviously not to live.

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said 'The Channel and Cayman Islands are a bit passé these days. For elite tax dodging, you've got to start hitting war zones. If you get caught, you disguise it as a photo op with a younger, more charismatic, more popular leader and donate them some weapons.'

'Alternatively you can throw a little shiny-suited strop and demand an inquiry into how your wife's dubious non-dom status leaked and keep the story of you as Scrooge McDuck alive for longer. Rishi can no longer get aroused unless he can see the raw desperation in the eyes of the proletariat. First he lowers his tax liability, then his trousers.'