No reprieve for BBC results

The BBC has confirmed that it will no longer broadcast the results of the Conservative leadership contest – the equivalent in footballing terms of the Isle of Wight Top Tiles League South.

A spokesperson said: 'As a matter of course we regularly review all of our media output. Consulting with focus groups, undertaking customer surveys etc. All point to a falling public interest in this topic. Overwhelming feedback criticises us for continuing to report on "a couple of useless, egotistic lying tossers who couldn’t run a whelk stall, or indeed organise a legal piss-up in a brewery let alone 10 Downing Street.

Customers have urged us to promote instead more upbeat and uplifting news items such as Covid, Ukraine, water rationing, the next WAGs legal action. Plus, of course, blanket coverage of the Conservative leadership contest after this one – provisionally scheduled for January 2023.'

Trump loses everything on massive gamble with a straight flush

Despite having a small, yet unbeatable hand, Ronald Flump has somehow managed to grope defeat from right between the thighs of victory.

When you fire an FBI chief for doing his job and then personally install a wanky sock puppet who will cover up all of the shady stuff you have ever done and wish to carry on doing, and that wanky sock puppet can't protect you from yourself, then the Republican party faithful have a right to consider whether you are fit to be their sex pest of choice.

The mentor who taught Boris Johnson all of the moves to make when the doors come off the clown car, tried to flush incriminating evidence down a nearby toilet. What has really fried the imaginations of the greatest exponents of slapstick, is that having failed to do so, he tried again. On multiple occasions. With toply secret material. Even on visits to hostile nations. 'Why is this still not working? It always does in the cartoons.'

This innovative behaviour has even puzzled the internationally renowned incompetent Mr. Bean who mouthed the words, 'Why did he not use a shredder, and get his tie caught in it like this?'

The trouble with hay ...