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Truss launches ‘Hokey Cokey’ manifesto, briefly




You slap your pay freeze in

You whip your pay freeze out

In, out, in, out?

Flip flop all about

Piss off the public sector

And U-turn around

That's what she’s all about

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

Woah, she’s in a tizzy

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

Tone deaf

Off-key

Ra-ra-ra


You put your cheese deals in

Your pull your pork deals out

In, out, in, out?

Churn it all about

Sign some pointless trade deals

Deny they’ve bid you down

That's what she’s all about

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

Woah, that Brie is fizzy

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

Arse from

Elbow?

Ra-ra-ra


Campaign for EU: In

Reverse to EU: Out

In, out, in, out?

Call them Frogs and Krauts

Do whatever wins you

All the centre ground

That's what she's all about

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

Woah, spin-doctor busy

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

Arm out

Salute

Ja-ja-ja


You drive your big tank in

Can’t find the exit out

In, out, in, out?

Wander aimlessly about

You do the walk of shame

Spinning round and round

That's what she’s all about

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

Woah, that fit is hissy

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

This way?

That way?

Ha-ha-ha!


The Lib Dems let you in

The Tories lure you out

In, out, in, out?

Flirt your way about

Yellow, blue or bloodied

Wave your flag around

That's what she's all about

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

Just how loyal is she?

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

Pants down

Arse kiss

Mwah-mwah-mwah


You promise spending up

You promise taxes down

Up, down, up, down?

What a fiscal clown

You’ll send inflation soaring

Living standards down

That's what she’s all about

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

Woah, she’s telling fibbies

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

Morals bent

Truth stretched

Ra-ra-ra


You stick the dagger in

Leak the cartoon out

In, out, in, out-

Stab it all about

You slag off your opponent

Lose any moral ground

That’s what she’s all about

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

Woah, she’s stabbing Rishi

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

Arm back

Knife in

Far-far-far


They’re going to vote her in?!

It’s going to be a rout?!

In, in, in, in-

Please be in no doubt

The country’s going up shit creek

With no paddles found

That's what she's all about

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

Woah, it’s getting schizzy

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

I’m f*cked

You’re f*cked

Waa-waa-waa


[Repeat through tears, praying for sweet release]


How to fix an Inquiry – in six affordable payments


A Home Office spokesperson said: ‘Evidence is like a good wine – it just gets better with age, plus there is a good chance it will just gather dust in the cellars of the rich and powerful never to see the light of day. Don’t be afraid to ask betting syndicates or FIFA for advice on ethical standards. Keep key witnesses in cells without cameras but with plenty of rope. And always have a good shredder on hand.’














someone can arrange for a ‘mysterious’ house fire to silence them


With regret Home Secretary Theresa May has conceded that she has run out of ‘dodgy’ candidates to appoint to chair the Inquiry into Historic Child Abuse. Having lost Baroness Butler-Sloss and now Lord Mayor Fiona Woolf to conflicts of interest, Mrs May has been forced to ask betting syndicates, investment bankers and FIFA on how best ‘to rig’ an inquiry. Fortunately having managed delayed the proceedings for a further three months, it is hoped that those accused will have had ‘…plenty of time to shred any incriminating documents’.







Truss accuses journalists of reporting rubbish, or press releases as they are also known




'Just because Liz issued a press release saying she was going to save £8.8bn from the £9bn Civil Service payroll bill by matching the wages of the unimportant so-called workers - that is, the ones outside of London - to their local McDonalds' pay scale it doesn't mean she expected you to report it,' said a press officer for the 'Truss Liz' campaign today.


'And if she issued an amendment noting that the first statement was impractical, obvs, and that the £8.8bn would come from pegging all the Civil Servants, teachers, nurses, fire fighters etc to the local wages of Tesco shelf stackers, apart from those working in the golden city, she didn't expect you to take the press release literally,' he added.


'Now I want you all to listen carefully. Here is a press release that says Liz is not going to do any of the things she said she was going to do just a few hours ago in two separate press releases. You are not to conclude this press release titled, "Liz Truss announces a U Turn on policy", implies a U turn. Got it?'


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