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Rees-Mogg assures the British public that earthquakes are perfectly safe



Fears that fracking could cause the British Isles to crack and sink without trace have been dismissed by His Majesty's custodian of the 19th century, Jacob Rees-Mogg.


After winding up his steam-powered pocket watch, the Rt Hon member for the Eton tuck shop made a statement to the House of Commons. That statement has since been translated from the dulcet tones of Anglo-Saxon it was uttered in:


‘The nearest drilling hole to Mogg castle is some 530 miles away. The only physical manifestation of the 8.9 magnitude earthquake it caused three years ago was a bone china cup plummeting to the floor of the pantry and scaring the wits out of one of the scullery maids. It can be concluded, therefore, that the scientific evidence proves beyond all doubt that drilling holes under all British homes and pumping huge quantities of pressurised liquid along them at unimaginable velocities is perfectly safe.’


To no cheers whatsoever, even from his own side, Mr Rees-Mogg conceded that he wore an earthquake resistant steel-lined top hat at all times, just in case.


Kwarteng higher than a banker's bonus



Conservatives have admitted that their tax cuts were conceived when policy makers got high on the industrial grade ketamine Kwasi Kwarteng road tested at the Queen's funeral.


Bleary-eyed Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said 'We suddenly remembered who paid for the think tank parked on Downing Street, pointing its think barrel at numbers 10 and 11. In terms of trickle down economics, this is urinating on 99% of people from a huge height.'


Hootington-Hurst began singing, 'Tax cuts to benefit the richest 1%? Parklife. Bankers bonuses without limit? Parklife. Inexplicable lack of energy company windfall tax. Parklife. All the poor people, so many poor people, And they all go round and round and die... Park...life.'


'At least we didn't get so high that we made Liz Truss PM! Ha ha ha - wait, what?!'

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