Fears that fracking could cause the British Isles to crack and sink without trace have been dismissed by His Majesty's custodian of the 19th century, Jacob Rees-Mogg.
After winding up his steam-powered pocket watch, the Rt Hon member for the Eton tuck shop made a statement to the House of Commons. That statement has since been translated from the dulcet tones of Anglo-Saxon it was uttered in:
‘The nearest drilling hole to Mogg castle is some 530 miles away. The only physical manifestation of the 8.9 magnitude earthquake it caused three years ago was a bone china cup plummeting to the floor of the pantry and scaring the wits out of one of the scullery maids. It can be concluded, therefore, that the scientific evidence proves beyond all doubt that drilling holes under all British homes and pumping huge quantities of pressurised liquid along them at unimaginable velocities is perfectly safe.’
To no cheers whatsoever, even from his own side, Mr Rees-Mogg conceded that he wore an earthquake resistant steel-lined top hat at all times, just in case.