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Westminster Abbey 'not available for Coronations' until 2025



'Unfortunately, due to the sudden and quite unexpected passing of her Majesty the Queen, Westminster Abbey is fully booked for the foreseeable,' said a spokesman for the Abbey. 'Sundays are fully booked, obvs, plus there are a myriad of bookings ranging from religious events and secular activities such as a bring and buy next week and an inner-city car boot sale in October.


'Spoons down the road might be able to help, but last time I looked they didn't take bookings. Might be worth a punt, though,' he added.


Suarez: ‘Biting restored my blood glucose levels'



One Doctor confirmed: 'Mr. Suarez showed real presence of mind to sink his jaws into the glucose-saturated shoulder of Giorgio Chiellini. Had he failed to move swiftly he could easily have slipped into a coma, become as lethargic as an England's back four or been forced to eat a ball boy. Footballers are a rich source of dextrose and help with the munchies’.





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